The 'What Not To Do' List

While trying to figure out the right thing to do, it is often important to know the things definitely NOT to do. A lot of this advice sounds like common sense, sure, but common sense isn't as common as we would like it to be a lot of the time. The lists below display the things that agents/publishers definitely DO NOT want to see, with a few things they actually would like to see sprinkled in.

Query Letters:
Rants & Ramblings - How to Get an Agent (NOT!) 13 Ways to Screw Up Your Query

The Evolution Of A Query - Firelight

Over time the query letter for my book FIRELIGHT has evolved. I won't say improved since that's a subjective term, but I like to think it has. In past posts I've provided my different versions along with the critiques I received for them. In this post I'm going to show the queries in order so you can easily see how it has changed over time. For the better I hope.

I know there are only 2 entries right now, but the list will grow eventually.

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Version #1
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Dear Agent,

Normal is:

Loathing the thought of sitting through another boring lecture.
Thinking about the cute girl across the study hall.
Knowing you may be an assassin's next target.
Taking ballroom dance lessons because your mom insists on it.
Learning martial arts because your dad insists on it.
Obsessing about the day you awaken to your magic.

Seventeen year old Seth is trying desperately to be normal, and for the most part he's pulling it off. He can take a punch as well as any of his friends despite secretly hating it. Nobody knows about the dreams he's been having that come true after he has them, or that he's being taught magic by people who are supposed to be dead.

Only his best friend Drake really knows him, and even Drake doesn't know everything.

As his friends start awakening to their magic Seth begins to wonder if he will even survive long enough to awaken. Until he does, his secret lessons are meaningless.

Seth finally awakens to his magic with the help of a newborn dragon friend, but something doesn't feel right. His magic is not working the way his teachers said it would. To top things off, the light of the sun has been blacked out. This is normal of course, it happens every year, but it has never lasted this long.

The season of darkness extends to being measured in weeks rather than its typical days. Then Seth feels a pull towards something far away in the darkness. Every day that pull gets stronger. He knows he is going to leave to find out what it is. The problem is, so does Drake. Does he allow Drake to tag along? Or does he leave his friend behind and go this one alone?

1ST AWAKENINGS is my debut fantasy novel, complete at 172,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Dallas Crockett
(address redacted)
dtscrockett@gmail.com

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What happened in between
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Query: I abandoned the unique twist I attempted to use because it clearly did not work the way I hoped. The new version is more focused.

Novel: The word count was too long, which resulted in having to cut it down into two separate books. The new title became FIRELIGHT. The second book will be a future project that runs in the same timeline as the first, but with different characters as the focus.

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Version #2
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Dear Agent,

Living in a violent society where everyone and everything uses magic, Seth Leoden is simply trying to survive until the time he too can awaken and use magic. The ability to use magic will allow him to begin making his way in the world, lifting him above the restrictions of childhood to begin the journey in becoming a man.

As part of a noble family living behind powerful castle walls Seth finds he is an assassin's next target. Worse for him, the assassin's name is well known among the people and much feared.

To humans, who have never had a dominant role in a world where magical creatures rule, nature is a treacherous frontier that only the strongest can survive alone. For the majority of humans the only barrier between nature and civilization is a fortified wall surrounding the city they live in.

In order to escape the assassin's blade Seth must hide in the very wilderness he has been raised to fear. Accompanied by a trusted body guard and his best friend Drake who refuses to let him do this alone, Seth quickly discovers facing the assassin might be the safer choice.

When the assassin learns where he is, Seth must face everything he has been running from.

FIRELIGHT is my debut fantasy novel, complete at 125,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Dallas Crockett
(address redacted)
dtscrockett@gmail.com

Query Letter - Firelight

I've just received my second round of critiques from Critters.org for my query letter. Below you will find both the query letter I sent and the critiques I received for it. I've redacted the names for the sake of privacy.

Since the last time the title has changed as well as some major plot points. If you've read my first draft you will notice the difference (I hope).

Again, I want to thank all of the people who took the time to rip my submission apart to help me put it back together better than before.

The result of this round: Nothing yet, check back later when more time has passed and all of the critiques are in.

To see how this query has evolved throughout the critique process, click here.

Friendly warning, this is a very long blog post.

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The Query
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Dear Agent,

Living in a violent society where everyone and everything uses magic, Seth Leoden is simply trying to survive until the time he too can awaken and use magic. The ability to use magic will allow him to begin making his way in the world, lifting him above the restrictions of childhood to begin the journey in becoming a man.

As part of a noble family living behind powerful castle walls Seth finds he is an assassin's next target. Worse for him, the assassin's name is well known among the people and much feared.

To humans, who have never had a dominant role in a world where magical creatures rule, nature is a treacherous frontier that only the strongest can survive alone. For the majority of humans the only barrier between nature and civilization is a fortified wall surrounding the city they live in.

In order to escape the assassin's blade Seth must hide in the very wilderness he has been raised to fear. Accompanied by a trusted body guard and his best friend Drake who refuses to let him do this alone, Seth quickly discovers facing the assassin might be the safer choice.

When the assassin learns where he is, Seth must face everything he has been running from.

FIRELIGHT is my debut fantasy novel, complete at 125,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Dallas Crockett
(address redacted)
dtscrockett@gmail.com

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Critique #1
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Here are the things you did well:
You explained who the protagonist is and what his problems is.
You include the word count.
You ended with a line that explained that this was your first novel and it implied you have no other publishing credentials.

Things to add to this query letter based on a section on how to write query letters (either it was in the literary agent, Donald Maas's book or Jeff Herman's). Start with a sentence, paragraph about what you are hoping to do, what your genre is. Also, be sure to include setting, such as, is this Victorian steampunk, an alien world with magic, earth with magic, Europe and what era. I can't imagine what kind of world this is because it isn't described.

As far as explaining the plot, the biggest things I wondered about was why is an assassin after him and just what is it about nature that is so dangerous that I should fear for him.

I also wondered the character's age and if this was YA.

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My Response
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1) The setting still needs to be described better.
2) Explain why an assassin is after him.
3) Explain why nature is so dangerous.
4) Provide the protagonist's age.

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Critique #2
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Hi Dallas,

Many questions arise from the “Query Letter” and at the moment the “content” is quite convoluted.

Why is the main character Seth Leoden living in a violent society?

Why is Seth’s society violent?

What brought on the violence (i.e. cultural reasons/family background/upbringing/previous battles/wars etc)?

What is the timeline for this “Fantasy Novel/Query Letter”?

Why has he (Seth Leoden) “not awakened” and being able to use the magic – where everyone and everything uses magic?

What does the terminology “not awakened” mean?

What are the reasons why ONLY he (Seth Leoden) is not able to use magic in this fantasy story?

Is he from an (obscure) outside community/civilization/colony far away (outside the castle walls) and was found abandoned as a young boy/baby (outside the castle walls and brought in) and as a result brought up by one of the families within the castle walls?

If Seth was found abandoned outside the castle walls and is from a different “group” or “clan” or “colony” this would explain why he does not have the genetic makeup of the gift of magic.

No historical facts are given as a background (to the scene setting/timeline/Seth’s upbringing etc) and therefore the “query letter” becomes superficial and confusing (to a degree).

The “Query Letter” refers to “an assassin”. Who is the assassin?

Why is Seth the assassin’s next target? The letter refers to Seth being brought up as a member of a “noble family” (living behind powerful castle walls) and in this regard why would he be the “next target”?

Who is the assassin? Why does he hate “noble families”?

Why hasn’t the assassin been found and brought to justice? Why has the assassin been allowed to roam free and create fear amongst the community?

Why is nature a treacherous frontier? (As referred to in the letter).

Magical creatures may rule but with wisdom and empathy – why is this not so in this fantasy?

In one moment the letter refers to Seth going outside the castle walls being accompanied by his friend “Drake” and then in the next sentence he changes his mind and has decided to stay inside (the castle walls) and face the assassin……

Characterization development does not appear to be a theme of this novel (as perceived by the letter); perhaps the storyline should have Seth facing the “magical creatures” outside – and maybe they (the magical creatures) could ultimately be his “friends” and (they then) all join together in defeating the “assassin” (whoever he is)?

Changing one’s mind (Seth’s) - appears to diminish the strength of the character of Seth and in doing so creates a convoluted and confusing storyline….

Relating to the main character (by the reader) and looking kindly on him with his predicament and life journey allows the reader to more easily relate and in doing so makes the story much more believable, alive and interesting.

At the moment apparently Seth has no magic, is being pursued by an (unknown) assassin and can’t make up his mind about whether he wants to live inside or outside the castle walls….

Therefore (with the brief details given) the storyline is obscure and the intent of the narrative (novel) unclear.

With regard to the author’s notes: the kind of world (this brief description) in which Seth lives – creates (in my view) a fantasy reality of nobles on horseback wearing fine garments and their horses being of the finest stock - a community (within the castle walls) of “Merlins” (Magicians) creating magic in their everyday life (to perhaps overcome boredom?).

Rather than wise and friendly magical creatures in the forest and frontier outside (the castle walls) in this novel they are fierce and wild and feared because of their magic…..

Why are the magical creatures so fierce and wild?

Questions also arise as to why the magic of the humans (that they are supposed to have) – as Magicians – cannot control the magic of the creatures outside?

Why is the magic of the creatures more intense and powerful than that of the humans?

Perhaps the underlying message of the story (novel) is to eventually (by delivering the storyline) awaken the reader (on many levels of awareness) as to the importance of man and nature working as one (in unity) rather than against each other?

To advocate peace and unity (from within one’s soul) rather than (externally) with violence and magical applications?

Perhaps the novel is to create the overall perception of “magic” as the actual transformation of consciousness (of humans and animals) - that as in the very beginning (of time itself – The Garden of Eden) - that man and creature (and nature) once more unite?

Therefore perhaps the main criteria of the story - external magic (used by both the creatures and humans) – is just a mirror image of the desperation in the seeking (and finding) of the internal magic (within) desired by both – which in turn creates the true nature (and transformation into the incredible beauty) of the fantasy reality itself in which everyone and everything exists (in peace, harmony and tranquility)?

Good luck in your writing.

(name redacted)

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My Response
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1) Could use some more explanation on why Seth is not awakened yet, and that he isn't the only one.
2) Answer the question, "Why is Seth the target?"
3) The danger of nature could use some more explanation.
4) There seems to be the possibility for confusion of whether Seth stayed outside the wall or not.

There were a lot of questions here that I think aren't necessary to be in the query letter itself, but definitely need to be answered in the book. Probably within the first few chapters.

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Critique #3
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Hello, Dallas,

This sounds like an interesting story. Does your desire to have a critique on content rather than format include the order of the content? Because I found the order a little confusing - I would have wanted to read paragraph three
before paragraph two.

I feel that I would want a better sense of how human society fits in with the other magical creatures, other than being non-dominant. Are the other creatures sentient?

I was also a bit puzzled over the word "frontier" and the separation between nature and civilization. I think of "frontier" as being near the limits of an expanding territory, so the idea of nature itself being a frontier puzzled me. Do you mean that there is a frontier area between human civilization and the rest of the planet? Or are you using "frontier" as shorhand, to mean a dangerous place, like the historical American frontier?

I imagined this set on an alien planet, with rugged, rocky, and dangerous terrain. Maybe it was the idea of the castle that made me think of stone!

I hope my reactions are helpful to you.

best,
(name redacted)

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My Response
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1) A better explanation of nature would help to understand the world setting.
2) The word "frontier" may not be creating the image I'm striving for.

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Critique #4
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Hi Dallas,

Thanks for sharing your query letter for Firelight with me. Your story seems to be about confronting fear. I assume this confrontation is the central one in the quest to Become A Man. His friendship with Drake seems like it will be important, but is secondary to overcoming fear. Are there any other noteworthy conflicts in your novel? I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "don't critique the format". Does this cover style? Much of your writing is not concise. Although concision is almost always important, it is exceptionally so in a query letter where you have little space in which to show off the best parts of your novel. For example, you could say, "Magical ability" rather than "The ability to use magic".

Maybe there should be some objects, creatures, and people who don't have magical ability, and not just because they haven't come of age. I imagine the world as being cluttered. Every time something new is encountered, it would require some explanation. You could incorporate some mundane and recognizable entities. For example, I'm often reluctant to put horses in my fantasy stories because I don't know much about how they behave, but I think they are necessary because sometimes I need a mount, but don't want to stop the story to explain what the mount is. Thanks for sharing your query letter with me. It looks like a solid story.

~ (name redacted)

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My Response
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1) Need to be more concise in word choice.
2) Putting in recognizable entities can help to make the setting connection.

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Critique #5
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In my opinion, you did a very well done query letter. It is quick and fast for the reader to follow. However, I think you may need a better beginning line. It has to be a good hook rather than start summarizing about what happened in the story. You should completely minimize how much summary you put into the letter. They just to need to know the basis of the plot.

You can simplify it by not having the paragraph “To humans, who have never had...(redacted due to redundancy) ...surrounding the city they live in.” It is not necessary in the context of your letter.

Also, to the point before, starting off by a summary may give the agent a good idea of your story, but you want the agent to be interested in the first place. If you just start getting into the story, they will be like what? When I imagined the beginning I thought of everything looking dreary and scary, but seem disconnected with the next part. The next part I imagine a wealthy boy sitting in front of a window looking out on a beautiful day. Then it goes back to being dreary and scary again. The final part makes me feel like he is on the run barely surviving in the wilderness.

Still you are better than me in the query letter and I hope you get to find an agent who wants to accept your work.

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My Response
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1) I need a better hook in the first paragraph.
2) The imagery bounces around too much.

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Critique #6
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Dallas,

Disclaimer: Nothing written here is meant to be taken as a personal criticism or insult.

Warning: I’m a nitpicky critter

Thanks for the reminder, it’s good to see you’re back so soon.

I think that this query is better than the last, but I also think that it could use a little tightening up. It’s loose in areas and could use a touch more excitement.

One of the best things I’ve read about this is from Jim Butcher’s blog. He says that you need to convey some simple things, When something happens… Your protagonist… pursues a goal… But will he succeed when… Your Antagonist provides opposition. Now if you answer all of those in your query then you will get far and can cut down on the excess wordage.

So, When Seth Leoden finds that he is the target for the world’s best know assassin, he sets out on his own into the untamed jungles that populate the world of … But when the assassin learns his location he must face all of his fears at once.

Then you can build on that.

> Living in a violent society where everyone and everything uses magic, Seth Leoden is simply trying to survive until the time he too can awaken and use magic. The ability to use magic will allow him to begin making his way in the world, lifting him above the restrictions of childhood to begin the journey in becoming a man.

This paragraph can help to explain what I mean. You could rewrite it to be more exciting, and more concise. Example: Seth Leoden, age …, has yet to awaken his magic in a world where magical talents are one of the few things that can keep him alive.

> As part of a noble family living behind powerful castle walls Seth finds he is an assassin's next target. Worse for him, the assassin's name is well known among the people and much feared.

Example: As a member of a noble family, he finds himself a target for the most famous assassin the world of … has ever known.

> To humans, who have never had a dominant role in a world where magical creatures rule, nature is a treacherous frontier that only the strongest can survive alone. For the majority of humans the only barrier between nature and civilization is a fortified wall surrounding the city they live in.

>In order to escape the assassin's blade Seth must hide in the very wilderness he has been raised to fear. Accompanied by a trusted body guard and his best friend Drake who refuses to let him do this alone, Seth quickly discovers facing the assassin might be the safer choice.

>When the assassin learns where he is, Seth must face everything he has been running from.

These three paragraphs are very lengthy and filled with things that could be shortened to keep the suspense.

Example: In fear for his life, Seth ventures from the relative safety of the walled city, into the danger of the wild jungles that cover most of the world. His only companion is his best friend Drake. They soon discover that it might be wiser to turn back and face the assassin (might want to give the name), than to venture any further into the untamed wilderness. But will they survive when the assassin learns of their location, and begins to hunt them through the trees.

You also asked for some general ideas of what I thought your world might look like.

From the small description, I got the idea that it is mostly covered in jungle, similar to the Star Wars world of Fellucia. I pictured small havens of safety from the jungles, in the walled citadels. Since you only really mentioned wilderness and a walled city, I assumed that that’s what most of the world looked like.

I did find this version much more intriguing than the last. It does flow at a faster pace, though I think that it could flow a little faster and smoother. I think that you might want to keep the excess info out of your query because you want to grab their attention and get them to read more, so the less and the more exciting the better.

I hoped that this crit helps you out. Feel free to let me know if you put anything else in the queue.

~(name redacted)

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My Response
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1) I need to use fewer words to say the same thing.
2) Consider revealing the name of the assassin.
3) The world imagery needs work.

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Critique #7
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Thank you for sharing your query letter. I think queries are the most difficult and challenging writing an author can face. Please feel free to disregard anything I offer in this critique.

I think this letter would have worked better for me if some of the phrasing had been a bit more unique. For example:

>where everyone and everything
>simply trying to survive
>allow him to begin making his way in the world

These aren't necessarily cliches, but they are commonly-used phrases. I believe this plays into the "voice" an agent looks for in the query letter. Of course, it is possible to go too far with spicing up the phrasing, as the query should be clear and understandable. However, I would liked to have gotten a better feel of the voice and style to the narrative in your novel.

One major question I had while reading your query was---why does the assassin wish to kill Seth? Not sure how much help it is to point that out, but it seems like it would be an integral point in your novel and it left me wondering...

Here's a grammar tip:

>For the majority of humans the only barrier between nature and civilization is a fortified wall surrounding the city they live in.

I wouldn't end a sentence with a preposition, especially in a query. I would suggest leaving off >they live in, as that part is clear anyway...or you could say >where they
live.

You asked in your notes that we describe what kind of world we picture from the information you included in the query. I felt this was a world where, as you said, everyone and everything is magical....so I pictured magical trees, magical forest creatures, magical rocks....I guess "everything" having powers. And, as I continued reading, I took it that all of these things were malevolent entities. Seth lives in a city that is protected from the outside forces by its walls, but when an assassin comes after him, he has to hide in the wilderness he fears to try to escape. And, from the end of the query, I take it that he begins to believe it would be safer/easier to face the assassin than the natural forces where he's hiding.

I hope you find something of use here, and best of luck with your query writing!

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My Response
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1) Try to be more unique in the voice aspect.
2) Answer the question, "Why does the assassin want to kill Seth?"
3) Check closer for grammar issues.
4) Avoid using broad words like 'everything'. It can be taken to mean literally everything. Specifics are good.

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Critique #8
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Let me start with this piece of advice. Query letters should clearly answer 3 questions. Everything else is extra (and probably not needed).
1) What does the protagonist want? (Unclear with Seth)
2) How can this be accomplished? (Hiding? Facing fears/wilderness? Mastering his magic?)
3) What happens if he fails (consequences)?

Now for more details:

Living in a violent society where everyone and everything uses magic, Seth Leoden is simply trying to survive until the time he too can awaken and use magic.

A bit awkward. If he’s waiting to awaken, it sounds like he’s asleep or dormant or something. That seems to conflict with the part of the sentence mentioning he’s
trying to survive.

The ability to use magic will allow him to begin making his way in the world, lifting him above the restrictions of childhood to begin the journey in becoming a man.

So how old is he? Again, a bit of a conflict – you open saying everyone uses magic, but it sounds like he doesn’t/can’t.

Worse for him, the assassin's name is well known among the people and much feared.

Does this really matter? Maybe merge these – Seth’s the target of a ruthless assassin with a no-fail reputation. But then again, how would Seth know about the reputation?

To humans, who have never had a dominant role in a world where magical creatures rule.

More confusion. I had no idea of this before. You might want to open with this since it seems to be the key source of the danger to humans.

When the assassin learns where he is, Seth must face everything he has been running from.

Isn’t he already doing that by hiding in the wilderness? And I don't know what he was running from before the assassin.

FIRELIGHT is my debut fantasy novel, complete at 125,000 words.

Warning – Everything I’ve read/heard indicates this is about 25K words too long. Agents aren’t big on long novels from unpublished authors.

Good luck

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My Response
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1) The word 'Awakening' might cause confusion within the confines of a query.
2) Give Seth's age.
3) Explain why Seth can't use magic yet.
4) Shorten the explanation of the assassin. Be more concise.
5) Put the world setting description closer to the beginning.
6) 125,000 words might still be too much.

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Critique #9
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For openers, this is much better than the last attempt! The confusion’s all gone, I now have a good idea of what’s going on, and I’m also convinced it’s an interesting story idea. My opinions here mostly concern making it as exciting as possible.

To make this less cumbersome, I'm going to try and cut down on the length of parts of your query letter that I quote.

About the sentence that begins: "Living in a violent society..."

I'm not sure about the prepositional phrase, "in a violent society". Just how violent is the society? You mentioned in the earlier query that Seth "can take a punch". Are all young men expected to take punches here? Do they routinely fight duels to the death over trivialities? I'd say, either drop your reference to the violence level of Seth's society --- or describe it in more dramatic detail.

I’m not a big adverb hater, but I’d remove “is simply trying to survive”. That phrase could also be used to describe the life of an office wage-slave in a cubicle.
I’d replace it with “can’t wait” or “is counting the days” --- actually I’m sure you can do better than either of those --- the point is, show Seth’s emotional state about his upcoming awakening. I’d guess he’s excited, a little bit scared and eager to show his stuff.

"The ability to use magic ..."

I’d make this part more specific. If the impending "awakening" opens a bunch of new rights and powers Seth's society denies to non-mages, or if it’s the threshold of when he becomes a legal adult, say that. If he suddenly gains the prestige to start hitting on girls that are now unreachable, say that. If he can suddenly start kicking major ass, say that!

"As part of a noble family ..."

I’d save the assassin for the end part of this bit. I’d start with something like: “But his family’s noble blood, and their powerful castle walls, provide little protection against the notorious assassin who has Seth in his sights.” This way, you go in a specific order: a) talk about how awesome Seth is, then move to: b) But wait! Alas! Seth’s adversaries are so ruthless and capable that he’s in deep
kimchi anyway, despite his awesomeness!

But what I have up there is incomplete. You should also add something --- just a word or two if possible --- describing exactly how Seth knows the assassin is after him. Did Seth’s noble family use their connections to get advance warning of this attack? Has the assassin already tried to kill Seth, and failed? Is the assassin so bold that he’s informed Seth that his days are numbered? The character of Seth, and the book, is enhanced by showing whether Seth finds out this stuff by sheer luck, beating up thugs, or clever deduction.

"To humans, who have never had a dominant role ..."

I might re-direct this description to the world, rather than the race of “humans” : something like, “In a world teeming with magical creatures, where humans do not rule . . .” or “Where humans rarely venture beyond their mighty citadels to the treacherous world without . . .”

"In order to escape the assassin's blade Seth must hide in the very wilderness he has been raised to fear."

Quoted the whole sentence because this part’s great. Due to my personal dislike of prepositional phrases, I’d say something like “The only escape from the assassin’s blade is the wilderness Seth has been raised to fear” but don’t tinker with this too much. If you do change it, read it out loud to yourself before deciding you like what you have, because the rhythm of this sentence is great as is.

"Accompanied by a trusted bodyguard..."

I love this part, it shows me exactly what the conflict is but makes me more curious about the plot. I can’t tell whether the “bodyguard” and “Drake” are the same person, and I’d suggest you fix that because agents generally dislike ambiguity, but at this point I personally don’t mind the ambiguity.

"Author/creator notes: At the end of your critique please describe to me the kind of world you pictured this being in, general ideas is fine."

Hmmm, for some reason I expected this place would like Turkey or Eastern Europe. I guess the phrase “assassin’s blade” made me think of forests and mountains, rather than plains or deserts (where I expect assassins to use bows), but that’s just my knee-jerk reaction in my mind’s eye. If you had cover art that looked like Japan or Persia, my mind would follow along with that.

I also pictured nighttime and bad weather for some reason. I guess I have a sense that your world is a scary, deadly place.

I’m impressed with how much better this query is. If you use this query in your RFDR, you won’t lack for volunteers to read the novel, whenever the time comes.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

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My Response
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1) Explain what 'violent' means.
2) Describe Seth's emotions about awakening better.
3) Explain what awakening means to Seth.
4) Explain how Seth knows the assassin is after him.
5) The wilderness line works.
6) Make it more clear the separation between the bodyguard and Drake.

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Critique #10
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Hola Dallas,

Critting with all standard disclaimers engaged.

>>Living in a violent society where everyone and everything uses magic, Seth Leoden is simply trying to survive until the time he too can awaken and use magic. The ability to use magic will allow him to begin making his way in the world, lifting him above the restrictions of childhood to begin the journey in becoming a man.

You reuse the word magic too much and are heavy on the cliché. Making his way in the world.

How about?
In a violent society ruled by magic, Seth Leoden is trying to survive long enough to kindle his own powers.

The rest I would throw out and go to sentence two. Note, I deleted the word living which you reuse in paragraph two.
>>As part of a noble family living behind powerful castle walls Seth finds he is an assassin's next target. Worse for him, the assassin's name is well known among the people and much feared.

Try
As part of a noble family living behind powerful castle walls Seth is targeted for assassination by Insert Name, known among the people as the worst of the worst.

Also you don’t explain why his family cannot protect him until he comes of age.

Strongest can survive is cliché.

FIRELIGHT is my debut fantasy novel

Uh, huh. No benefit to telling an agent you’re a rookie. Act like you been there.

The work itself has potential. Queries need AT LEAST 4-5 takes to get it right.

Good luck with this.

(name redacted)

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My Response
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1) My sentence structure can be cut down to be much shorter still. A good sentence doesn't need filler just for the sake of getting to the correct word count.
2) Recognize and avoid cliché.
3) Avoid word reuse.
4) Recognize and avoid unanswered questions.
5) No need to let the agent/publisher know that I'm a rookie.

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Critique #11
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Hi Dallas,

It's good to see an updated version of this query. I'm one of those who offered comments on the first version, and in my opinion, this version feels tighter and gives me a more distinct picture of what's going on.

Again, I don't know much about queries, so my comments are those of a simple reader, not a pro.

The first time I read through this version, I thought I wanted to know more about what makes the stakes personal for Seth -- and by that I mean personal on an internal scale, not external. But now I think such info might already be here.

In the first paragraph, Seth is presented as someone who is in quite a spot of trouble: He hasn't Awakened yet, and in his world, I think a person without magic could have a crippling disadvantage.

The text suggests Seth will not be considered a man until he Awakens, which makes me think he's probably frustrated and fed up with being viewed as a child. That's personal.

When the assassin is introduced, I found myself desiring a little more elaboration on why Seth is a target (he has no magic, so why hunt him when he's essentially impotent?) and why the assassin is so well known. Did he kill someone famous? Is he recognizable because of a trademark?

In Seth's case, I was not sure how being part of a noble family influenced him being a target. Does his family control the energy giving power to the defensive walls or something? I guess I wondered if he wasn't targeted for something more interesting than noble birth. But that's just me.

The paragraph that mentions how humans are not the dominant being was one I found quite intriguing. It sounds as if people are at the mercy of an unnatural nature, and that outside humanity's protected civilizations certain creatures actually reign. If so, cool!

When the text mentions Seth fleeing the assassin by hiding in the wilderness, again, I sort of wanted more elaboration on why the assassin is chasing him. To me, the assassin feels like a disembodied threat hunting Seth for no (established) reason. What about Seth makes him so special he needs to be killed? Based on the text -- which is quite interesting -- it sounds like there are many magic creatures in Seth's world that he can't hope to compete with.

And lastly,
>>
When the assassin learns where he is, Seth must face everything he has been running from.
>>

So far I have only seen Seth running from the assassin, therefore I found the implications of 'everything he has been running from' somewhat misleading, to me. What else is he running from? Why would meeting the assassin make him face it?

That's basically all from me. This is improved upon the last version, in my opinion. I like the world presented here.

On a small note, I did wonder if it might be possible to condense the first paragraph.

>>
Living in a violent society where everyone and everything uses magic, Seth Leoden is simply trying to survive until the time he too can awaken and use magic. The ability to use magic will allow him to begin making his way in the world, lifting him above the restrictions of childhood to begin the journey in becoming a man.
>>

What if one were to cut and rearrange a few words? May I give an rough example?

In a violent society where everyone and everything uses magic, Seth Leoden is trying to survive until the time when he too will awaken (to his powers). Magic (of his own) will lift him above the restrictions of childhood and allow him to begin the journey to become a man.

You asked for Critters to describe what sort of world they see between the lines. I think I gave myself away in my comments, but...

Based on the info presented in this query, I'm envisioning a world (not this world) rife with untamed magic, parts of it possibly unexplored because it's so dangerous for humans to leave their protective walls. I'm guessing (only guessing) that human magic is (usually) weaker than that of creatures, and I'm wondering if Seth receives a gift that trumps them all.

The rules in this world, I believe, would be different from my own. If humans are mostly confined behind a defense, that leaves a lot of room for mystery and discovery during the novel.

Sounds like something I'd enjoy.

Anyway, I hope you get some more useful feedback from experienced Critters.

Thanks again for sharing,

(name redacted)

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My Response
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1) Make the issue personal to the protagonist, don't just let it me assumed externally.
2) Explain the link between nobility and Seth being a target, or leave it out altogether.
3) Either give the assassin's name and credentials, or downplay how well he is known among the people.
4) Answer the question, "Why is Seth a target at all?"
5) The world setting is getting closer to what it actually is.

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Critique #12
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This version of your query letter is more focused than the previous. I like how the sentences are strung together, leading to the final Problem in the final paragraph. I like the emphasis on the story, with the remaining contact information at the end.

But I have two major issues with the construction of the letter.

The first is the *action*. The query letter should give a taste of what *happens* in the book, the things the protagonist *does*. You should be telling the story, not telling *about* the story, if you see the difference. You also want to show the things Seth *does*, not the things that happen to him: a strong, interesting character takes action, a weak, uninteresting character is buffeted along by outside forces. That type of character is uninteresting because, if all the action is precipitated by outside forces the character has no control over, then who your character is *doesn't matter*--your character could be a lump of clay, and the same things would happen, because your character isn't driving the plot.

Now that was a long and boring, but why am I saying it?
Take a look at the noun/verb pairs in your query letter:

Seth is...trying to survive
magic will allow him
Seth finds
assassin's name is (well-known)
nature is (a treacherous frontier)
barrier...is (a fortified wall)
Seth must hide
Seth discovers
Seth must face

Nine sentences. Four are not really about Seth (nothing *necessarily* wrong with that, but see below), and those four have weak descriptive verbs: is and allow. The problem is that the verbs coupled with Seth aren't much stronger. "Tries to survive" is pretty general, and you don't get much of a picture of Seth. "Finds" and "discovers": Seth learns things, which doesn't seem like a strong and interesting activity. "Must hide" and "must face" might be better, but they're not immediate, and imply actions thrust on Seth rather than ones he chooses. (For example, I "must die" sometime. Probably when I'm 90. That's not immediate, and doesn't show my character and my choices.)

The second issue is wrapped up in the first. I don't feel like I'm getting a sense of who Seth is. You're not *showing* me who he is through his actions, and neither are you *telling* me who he is. I have no idea what kind of person Seth is, or why he's interesting. Remember the query should introduce the Protagonist, his Problem, and the Stakes.

In addition, you have a whole paragraph where you digress and describe your world. That's not necessarily bad, but in this case it's not smoothly integrated into the letter because you're telling me about the wilderness *before* you tell me why it's important (you do so in the next paragraph). Even better would be if you could integrate this description of the world with a description of Seth's actions, so we get the feel of Seth's "out of the frying pan into the fire" decision process.

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My Response
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1) Tell the story, don't tell about the story.
2) Be less general and more specific in detail.
3) Use stronger verbs.
4) Create a better sense of immediacy.
5) Show who Seth is, don't tell.
6) Integrate the world description into the story telling.

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Critique #13
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Hello, Dallas,

I don't have many general comments. You've taken a big step forward but as I read, I'm still left with many, many questions, but more detailed than before. Most have to do with logical relationships between elements of your query. Some have to do with your order of presentation. I didn't read ahead when I made my detailed comments below so my questions reflect very close what questions and confusions came to me as I went through your query.

The answers to your questions follow the detailed comments.

I hope this helps. I know synopsis and summary are hard and painstaking to write. Why should a query be any easier? I'm puzzled by your reluctance to consider query form. I guess you want to do it your way, which is fine, but to what purpose? You might eventually come upon a query form that is both original and effective. I suspect, though, that when you eventually come upon an effective query format, you might discover that you have simply rediscovered the everyone else's effective format after much inconvenience and effort.

Keep going. This is good progress,
(name redacted)


================

>>Living in a violent society where everyone and everything uses magic, Seth Leoden is simply trying to survive until the time he too can awaken and use magic.

--How old is he? This description makes me think he is already mature, presumably someone comes into magic only with full maturity, whatever that means. I don't get the sense in paragraph 1 that he's still a boy.
--survive? To just keep on progressing from one day to another or is his actual life in danger? (Previous version had an unexplained assassin.)

>>The ability to use magic will allow him to begin making his way in the world, lifting him above the restrictions of childhood to begin the journey in becoming a man.

--Okay, you've now taken care of the age question, but haven't totally cleared it up. Is he still actually a child? How old? From the wording he could even be a toddler with a very long time to wait. I think the problem is that you mention childhood and being a man, but there's the whole period of adolescence in between (which the previous version seemed to indicate as his actual age).
--Isn't that what all children do, even the unmagical ones?

>>As part of a noble family living behind powerful castle walls Seth finds he is an assassin's next target. Worse for him, the assassin's name is well known among the people and much feared.

--Why feared? Is he just a very good assassin or is he also some important, influential person in this world?

>>To humans, who have never had a dominant role in a world where magical creatures rule, nature is a treacherous frontier that only the strongest can survive alone.

--When you say Seth is waiting for his magic to awaken, and that humans have never had a dominant role in this world, you seem to be suggesting that Seth isn't human. Or humans also have magic but just aren't dominant. Are there other humanoid people who have magic and are dominant? Or does the presence of universally magical creatures just make it impossible for any single species to dominate it.
--Is the assassin human? If there is a dominant humanoid, magical species, does the assassin belong to that species?
--You seem to be saying by the nature clause that nature itself is the great danger on this world where everything is magical and so potentially dangerous. I'm not at all bothered with the idea of humans living as part of a world they don't and can't dominate. (I get the idea you'd like me to be disturbed by this idea.) Are you possibly saying that the local fauna are the great magical danger? What precisely is the danger to the humans? Adverse effects of telepathy? Being bespelled by surprising some little creature having a snack? And how exactly does a wall protect humans. Simply by keeping the dangerous critters outside? I suppose that kills the dangerous telepathy question.

>>For the majority of humans the only barrier between nature and civilization is a fortified wall surrounding the city they live in.

--This seems to reinforce the idea that there are no alien villains, but that humans are, in effect, living in a world up to their asses in magical alligators.
--Are all human's living in the same fortified city or are there multiple cities, each with their own wall? How big are these cities in terms of population. Small enough that everybody knows everybody? Or quite the opposite?

>>In order to escape the assassin's blade Seth must hide in the very wilderness he has been raised to fear. Accompanied by a trusted body guard and his best friend Drake who refuses to let him do this alone, Seth quickly discovers facing the assassin might be the safer choice.

--Why would an assassin be bothering his (probably) busy self about a child (adolescent?). I hope you're not going to tell me that Seth is a 'Chosen One' prophesied in ancient chronicles to 'save his people'. What is Seth's claim to such attention.

>>When the assassin learns where he is, Seth must face everything he has been running from.

--Why does he have to learn this? I guess the assassin and Seth don't live in the same place where everybody knows everybody else. This goes back to the question of how many human cities there are with how big a population each?
--What does the assassin *want* besides Seth's death. Is this personal? Is this a contract hit? Does Seth stand in the way of the assassin's plans or aspirations. What's at stake here.

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My Response
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1) Give Seth's age.
2) If the assassin is well-known, explain why.
3) Make it clear that Seth is human and it's just hard for any one species to become dominant.
4) Make it clear the assassin is also human.
5) Clear up the role of humans in the world.
6) Better describe the city setting.
7) Explain why Seth is the target.

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Critique #14
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First off, your second query letter is much better than your first. I feel like I have a good idea of what your book is about and the kind of world in which your characters live. I think the biggest problem is that you made too much of a change in your letter. This one lays everything out in a very clear fashion, but it loses your voice and sense of story. It all feels a bit too cold and methodical. I wish you had more of the flair of the first letter.

I think the second and third paragraph could be boiled down a bit more. I don't think you need to spend that much time describing the assassin and the scary nature of the outside world. Let me know that an experienced assassin is after him and that danger resides outside the walls. The first sentence of the fourth paragraph almost explains it all, without the help of the previous two paragraphs. If you cut out some of that stuff, I think it would make the letter much tighter, and more interesting.

In the fourth and fifth paragraph you use the word “face.” Not a horrible word choice, but it seems repetitive in such a short letter. If it were me, I would change one of them.

A nitpicky thing, in the first sentence you say “uses magic” and “use magic.” I would love it if you could find some other way to describe it. Using the same description twice in one sentence worries me that you might end up doing the same throughout the novel. I'm guessing that is not the case, but no reason to give the agent/editor any reason to doubt your ability.

I would love to know where the meaning of the title comes from. As it stands, I do not know how the title relates to the story of your novel. I do not see any connections in what you have told me about the book. I don't want a complete rundown on the title, but I would like to see some connection, or it makes me think that there could be a better title out there.

I had some trouble viewing the world. I did not know if the enclosed area was massive, encompassing numerous cities and castles, or if the world was filled with numerous castles and towns, isolated from one another by the wilderness. I picture it being a somewhat medieval setting, but encompassing some truly bizarre creatures residing in the wilderness. I picture the society being somewhat built around combat, but I did not know if the focus was on attacking others or on attacking the creatures in the wilderness. I understand that the violence boils over in either direction, but it would be interesting to know if the people are on constant watch for an outside attack, or if they are safe as long as they don't leave the walls. I think it might give me a clearer picture of what danger he faces as he leaves the safety of the walls. I am not sure I need all of the above information in the query, but you asked, so there you go.

I would be very interested to know what your target audience is. Is this aimed at young adults, everybody, or clearly an adult novel? I would think that an agent might want to know that information as well. The difference between a Harry Potter and The Black Company is huge, and dramatically changes who will be interested in reading it. The young protagonist makes me assume it is geared for young adults, but I was not sure. Stating that loud and clear when you mention the title might take all the guessing out of the situation.

Finally, I just wanted to say thanks for dropping me an email when this came back through critters. I am in no way an expert on anything, but if I can ever do anything to help, please let me know. And please drop me a line whenever Firelight heads back into the queue, whether it is a third version of the letter or the novel itself. Best wishes on all of your writing.

(name redacted)

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My Response
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1) Need to re-find the 'voice' of the letter.
2) The description can be shortened significantly.
3) Avoid reusing words.
4) Avoid reusing descriptors (especially in the same sentence).
5) Provide a connection with the title.
6) The scope and size of the world isn't clear enough.
7) Describe the intended audience.

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Critique #15
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What if I want to critique the format? :(

>>Living in a violent society where everyone and everything uses magic, Seth Leoden is simply trying to survive until the time he too can awaken

This is *so* much better than the last iteration. That said, I'd cut it at "simply trying to survive". The rest feels redundant.

>>restrictions of childhood to begin the journey in becoming a man.

Part of me likes this, as it feels like the "epic heroic journey". But another part is rolling her eyes and going, "oh, come on...if he knows that he's going to get magic...like everyone...what's the big deal? It's like a period. We all get one eventually (if we're female)." It's kind of my cynicism speaking, but...I'm not 100% sure from this line whether everyone has magic and it's a right of passage, or whether your protagonist is special in some way.

>>To humans, who have never had a dominant role in a world where magical creatures rule, nature is a treacherous frontier that only the strongest

This feels a bit cliche to me. Not horribly so, but still...although I do really, really like the protective wall of the city. That's a nice image/metaphor.

As far as world: This feels like a fairly generic fantasy world to me. FAR less Harry Potter rip off than the last one (I mean, if I were an agent, I'd seriously consider reading this one! Yay!) And it definitely feels more unique. Despite my eye rolling, if I saw this on a shelf, I'd definitely pick it up and read a chapter.

That said, I almost wonder if more needs to be played with on the nature front. Having not read your story, this is hard to know for sure. But the idea of a group of humans who mature into mages (all, or some?) who are penned in by aggressive nature is...interesting. I'm not sure if this is your goal, though, or just sort of the way the summary came out.

Anyway, definitely an improvement. There's a lot there to work with. You may want to play up a bit how nature vs. magic works in this world, but it's good enough now that I'd totally at least skim it, which is a major improvement!

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My Response
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1) Parts can be cut down into shorter sentences and still get the point across.
2) Show why getting to use magic means anything.
3) The conflict of nature vs man is a good selling point.

It Takes Commitment

I imagine the reason a lot of people who want to write a book never get around to it (or never finish) because of one reason, it's a huge commitment. When I started writing in high school I spent nearly every night from ~6pm to ~2am on my computer. Even with that much of a commitment it still took me years to get a full length (and admittedly amateur) novel strung together. It's taken me years on top of that to get to a point where I'm starting over.

According to Stephen King it takes 1,000,000 words before you're out of the training phase. That's a paraphrase, but you get the point. That works out to more than 300 words a day for 10 years. Other sources will say it takes 10,000 hours. That's an hour a day for 27 years, or 8 hours a day for 3 1/2 years. That's a huge time commitment. Check out this blog post for a more in depth break down.

It's doable. You just have to be committed to making it happen. I found this blog post to be encouraging, somewhat.

You Have To Be Able To Just Let Go

After receiving critiques on my query letter I realized a lot of downfalls with how I was approaching my novel. Fortunately I made the decision to follow the advice I found on the internet and I can already tell it's paying off.

First I cut my novel in half. I had too many characters that I wanted to show off. Instead I decided to write two separate novels that run in the same timeline and have overlapping scenes told from different points of view.

Second, I tossed out all of the parts that were no longer relevant or simply did not push the story along. This was really hard to do. In my opinion some of the best parts were in the sections that got thrown away, but it was in the best interest of the novel and therefore it had to happen.

The result has been phenomenal and I don't even have one complete chapter done yet, just bits and pieces of chapters that got all jumbled around in the "cleaning" process. Even though I completely rearranged the entire novel, it will be better for it. I believe it was Stephen King who said, "The first million words are just practice." I've put in at least a quarter of that and I'm seeing how true it is. Every time I go back through there's always something to improve upon. I'm actually really excited to be starting back at square one. Now I can implement everything I've learned up to this point in the entire novel without getting stuck on not wanting to change a good thing because it's done, even though it could become a better thing.

What Fiction Editors Look For

I've found some pretty helpful blog posts that explain what an editor is looking for/not looking for in a manuscript. Check below for a list that I will expand as I come across more of them over time.

Articles & Blogposts
Publisher Rants - What Fiction Editors Look For, Part 1
Publisher Rants - What Fiction Editors Look For, Part 2
8 Fiddly Things You Can Do To Your Manuscript To Make Your Editor's Day

8 Ways To Make An Editor Happy

I came across a blog post today that had some great little tips on how to make an editor happy.

Here's the short list, read the post. It's much better.

1) Word consistency - Use okay or OK, not both.
2) Emdashes - They aren't double hyphens.
3) Apostrophes - Word likes to mess these up.
4) Single spaces after sentences
5) Page Breaks - Don't just hit enter a bunch.
6) Tabs - Use the auto-formatter, don't do it yourself.
7) Timeline - Helpful for jumping back and forth while checking for edits.
8) Character bible - Helpful for keeping information in order, especially for a series.

Query Letter - 1st Awakenings

I've just received my first round of critiques from Critters.org for my query letter. Below you will find both the query letter I sent and the critiques I received for it. I've redacted the names for the sake of privacy.

I want to thank all of the people who took the time to rip my submission apart to help me put it back together way better than before. I was surprised by how easy it is to miss obvious problems until someone else points them out to you.

The result of this round: I went back and rewrote my query letter. I cut my epic sized novel in half and turned it into two different (regular sized) novels, splitting the cast of characters between them. This also means a lot of rewriting. The first of the two novels' title is FIRELIGHT.

To see how this query has evolved throughout the critique process, click here.

Friendly warning, this is a very long blog post.

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The Query
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Dear Agent,

Normal is:

Loathing the thought of sitting through another boring lecture.
Thinking about the cute girl across the study hall.
Knowing you may be an assassin's next target.
Taking ballroom dance lessons because your mom insists on it.
Learning martial arts because your dad insists on it.
Obsessing about the day you awaken to your magic.

Seventeen year old Seth is trying desperately to be normal, and for the most part he's pulling it off. He can take a punch as well as any of his friends despite secretly hating it. Nobody knows about the dreams he's been having that come true after he has them, or that he's being taught magic by people who are supposed to be dead.

Only his best friend Drake really knows him, and even Drake doesn't know everything.

As his friends start awakening to their magic Seth begins to wonder if he will even survive long enough to awaken. Until he does, his secret lessons are meaningless.

Seth finally awakens to his magic with the help of a newborn dragon friend, but something doesn't feel right. His magic is not working the way his teachers said it would. To top things off, the light of the sun has been blacked out. This is normal of course, it happens every year, but it has never lasted this long.

The season of darkness extends to being measured in weeks rather than its typical days. Then Seth feels a pull towards something far away in the darkness. Every day that pull gets stronger. He knows he is going to leave to find out what it is. The problem is, so does Drake. Does he allow Drake to tag along? Or does he leave his friend behind and go this one alone?

1ST AWAKENINGS is my debut fantasy novel, complete at 172,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Dallas Crockett
(address redacted)
dtscrockett@gmail.com

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Critique #1
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Hi there, Dallas,

My name is (redacted) and I have experience as a nonfiction editor, so keeping in mind that that is my professional experience despite my love of fantasy, here's some feedback for you...

FORMATTING & PACING OF THE QUERY:

I would keep the list of "normal" in a paragraph format for a couple reasons: first, this pitch is supposed to resemble the back-cover copy of a book, and, second, it draws the eye to the list and away from the paragraph after it. "Normal is..." left me instantly wondering, "Normal for whom?" What about, "For Seth , normal is..."? That said, this opening doesn't really take us right into what's unique about your story (nothing is unique, or exciting, about a boring lecture). Perhaps you would consider opening with something like, "The morning Seth awakened to his magic was the morning the sun stopped rising." Or something like that.

Overall, the query was pretty wordy. Look at the number of times you use the phrase, "awakening his magic" or some variation of that. Also, look at the sentence: "Nobody knows about the dreams he's been having that come true after he has them..." This phrase doesn't have any unique verbs or nouns ("know" and "come true" are soft sounds; "dreams" is the only concrete verb but it doesn't paint a picture in my head). You've used passive voice ("he's been having"), and on top of that you've done it grammatically incorrectly (you can't contract "he has" into "he's" -- that means "he is").

What I'm getting at here is that, on the back of the book, you have only a single glance to seize a potential reader's attention. Sometimes that back-copy is no more than 3 sentences long. That's how much space you actually have, and the editor or agent who picks up your book is going to have to remember it well enough to reel it out to his or her marking committee along with a whole line of other people. Do them a favor and keep it short and powerful, with lots of concrete images they can seize onto. Imagine being a marketer and using the back-copy to come up with a cover design. What image do you want to see on the front of your book? Try painting it in words.

In particular, using the gerund form (-ing) automatically slows the pace. This is compounded by the use of -ing adjectives like "boring". Try saying them aloud--they have a swinging rhythm that is naturally slow. There are occasions when that can be really useful but this is probably not the best place for it.

CONTENT OF THE QUERY:

Sorry, now that the editor in me has reared her ugly claws, what I really liked in your query was the idea of a "season of darkness" and a magical ability that is awakening with problems (WAY more fun that somebody who is all-powerful without any complications). I was confused by the seemingly disparate connections--what does a "newborn dragon friend" have to do with a story that sounded like it belonged in a modern-day high school? Your opening had me ready for an urban fantasy novel, but suddenly there's a dragon and now I'm confused about what era & world we're in. The other moment of cognitive dissonance was the sudden revelation that the friends are not "normal" in the sense of normal, non-magical people but that they actually develop magical abilities, too.

Your final question isn't enough to draw my interest -- "What's the big deal with taking or leaving Drake? I thought this story was about Seth!"

172,000 words is a LONG novel. Anything above 140,000 words is going to make editors nervous (140,000 words works out to roughly 500 pages of very small print).

Sorry that was a lot of nit-picking and reactions that weren't all positive! Feel free to send me another attempt if you like!

Cheers,
(redacted)

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My Response
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1) Don't use the list at the beginning, or at least make it a paragraph.
2) Check grammar.
3) Don't be so wordy.
4) Avoid all '-ing' words when trying to make snappy sentences.
5) Make it clear that the setting isn't our modern day universe, nor high-school.
6) If you use questions, make sure they're about the important plot points.
7) 172,000 words is too long.

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Critique #2
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As it stands, this is not a book I would read. I felt like you kept grabbing me at some points, and then losing me in the next sentence.

First, I like the start. I think it got me in the mindset of the main character. It made me think of a somewhat edgy character who is struggling with what normal is supposed to be. However, I think throwing in the assassin line halfway through stole some of your thunder. I expected that kind of twist to come at the end, not in the middle. It made reading the next two lines a bit anti-climactic. And for
something so in your face, it seemed like you never brought up the assassin thing again. I felt like you hooked me with the assassin line, let me linger on for a bit, and then dropped me entirely. If it were me, I would either move the assassin line farther down in the list, like 2nd to last, or drop it completely. And if you keep it, I would work the assassin angle into the rest of the query to show me that it was more than just a catchy line.

Second, the “awake to their magic” line threw me out of the query every time you used it. I feel like it might serve you better to use that line early on, and then give a bit of a definition to it. Not a big deal, but in something so short, I would use every word to my advantage.

Third, if it were me, I would move up the second full paragraph into the middle of the first full paragraph. If you slipped it in after “pulling it off” I think it would flow better.

Fourth, why is his life in danger? You mention the assassin and the chance that he might not live long enough to have his magic awaken, but what is threatening him? I would have loved to have some idea of what is so dangerous about his life.

Fifth, I feel like you lost some steam from the first half when you tell us that he did awake to the magic in the second half. If awaking to his magic happens early in the book, I would think about cutting that part out of the query. Or word it in a way that suggests there was danger, but that he overcame it. It just did not seem to flow right for me.

Sixth, the darkness seemed a bit odd to me. You mention that the sun has been blacked out and I got excited about it, and then the next sentence killed the tension for me. If it were me, and the sun blacking out is normal, then I
would combine those two sentences. I felt like you kept setting me up with possibly great stories and then shooting them down right after. I would focus your points of interest and tension building around things that are truly a
mystery or a challenge.

The line about the dragon seemed unnecessary to me. If you took away that part in the query, I do not know if anything would be lost. I would either indicate why the dragon is important, or just cut out the mention of it all together. As it stands, it left me a bit confused as to why you mentioned the dragon.

If it were me, I would try to tighten the whole thing up. I felt like it took a long time to describe some simple story ideas. I think it sounds interesting, but it worries me that for me the query is a bit wordy and long on the descriptions. It worries me that the rest of your book might be the same way. If it were tighter in the query, it would interest me more. To tighten it up, I think you could
cut out most of the first half of the query. I would give a brief intro the character, including the whole what is normal thing, and then jump into the darkness and the pull on him. It seems like that is the heart of your novel, and
that is what would really pull me in.

Overall, I think the books sounds good, but I would edit out a lot of the stuff in the query. If you disagree with anything I have said, feel free to ignore it. If you have any questions, please give me a yell. Best wishes on all of your writing.

(name redacted)

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My Response
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1) Don't create a climax then leave it hanging, wrap it up.
2) Avoid repetitive subjects, words, etc.
3) If you declare a threat, explain why it's a threat.
4) Don't introduce a topic half way through that undermines the importance of the first half.
5) Be careful of following up a high note with something that dampens it.
6) If something feels thrown in, throw it out.
7) Intro the main character in 2 or less sentences, then get to the meat of the story.

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Critique #3
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Hi Dallas,

Thanks for the chance to read & offer feedback on your Query Letter. I’m not at the point of querying myself, but I’m interested in learning. So, I come at this as a reader, not as anyone with any experience in the querying craft.

The opening hook for the query has a nice rhythm, and I had no trouble at all following the writing style. However, there were some areas that puzzled me.

To me, it sounds as if Seth lives in 'our' world and maintains a secret connection with magic beings -- who possibly either blend in with normal society, or have a hidden sanctuary somewhere.

But I did not fully understand which was which, because the query said things such as 'even his best friend Drake doesn't know everything' and goes to say how 'Seth's friends start awakening to their magic'.

This confused me: Which group are Seth's friends in, the magic or the normal?

On that note, I wondered why Seth has trouble acting normal if he doesn't have powers at first? Is it because of a situation similar to the one presented in The Sorcerer's Apprentice (the movie)?

Yet I understood the query to imply that Seth's parents and a group of other people are involved in his training -- if so, it might help me if the query were more specific.

Another area of slight confusion for me was that the query starts off like a coming of age/coming into magic/magic school story, then at the end the solar blackout is brought in.

I found this somewhat confusing. Is the story about Seth coming into his magic, or about Seth fixing the worldwide blackout?

If both, is there perhaps a way to tie the two in tighter?

Below I have some in-line comments, because I have had more success at explaining my trains of thought (wayward though they may be) this way.

>>

Normal is:

Loathing the thought of sitting through another boring lecture.
Thinking about the cute girl across the study hall.
Knowing you may be an assassin's next target.
Taking ballroom dance lessons because your mom insists on it.
Learning martial arts because your dad insists on it.
Obsessing about the day you awaken to your magic.

>>

I do applaud the rhythm and structure here. But in my opinion it lost some power after the third line, both because it kept going on (shorter is snazzier to this reader) and because I found it puzzling to jump from boring lectures to cute girls, then to assassins, ball room dances, martial arts and finally magic.

That's a lot for me to take in on the first breath. Although I'm sure it all fits in the novel, I have trouble seeing how it all fits together here.

I would have been more comfortable with the opening if the information was more focused, more specific. Some of the above information does not feel need-to-know, and when I read a book jacket blurb, I like to know character, conflict, and plot if in order to be enticed to read.

But as I said, grand rhythm.

>>

Seventeen year old Seth is trying desperately to be normal, and for the most part he's pulling it off. He can take a punch as well as any of his friends despite secretly hating it. Nobody knows about the dreams he's been having that come true after he has them, or that he's being taught magic by people who are supposed to be dead.

>>

Again, I'm not sure what one piece of information has to do with another, and I'm a bit concerned that info may be unclear (it is to me).

If Seth does not have powers yet, in what way is he pretending to be normal? Why does he need to know how to take a punch? Why does he hate it?

I was also puzzled about the precognitive dreams -- why isn't that considered a magic talent? I wondered if the line about being trained in magic by people thought to be dead couldn't be fleshed out. I suspect it might clue me in more to how Seth's world functions.

Right now, I'm unsure whether this is a story where the magic world is concealed in the modern world, or if this is an alternate world entirely -- one where magic is widespread.

>>

Only his best friend Drake really knows him, and even Drake doesn't know everything.

As his friends start awakening to their magic Seth begins to wonder if he will even survive long enough to awaken. Until he does, his secret lessons are meaningless.

>>

This is where I became confused about how Seth's world operates. The query says Drake knows him best, but does not know everything. Then Seth's friends awaken to their magic -- and Seth is worried about surviving?

I'm sorry, but I do not follow that train of thought. I remember assassins being mentioned, but I do not recall seeing Seth actually threatened. For all I know his self-defense training might be the result of paranoid parents.

If attempts are being made on his life (to stop him from Awakening), do you think it might work a little better if it was shown?

>>

Seth finally awakens to his magic with the help of a newborn dragon friend, but something doesn't feel right. His magic is not working the way his teachers said it would. To top things off, the light of the sun has been blacked out. This is normal of course, it happens every year, but it has never lasted this long.

>>

As mentioned earlier, the sun blackout seemed a bit odd to me, only because it appears at the last minute. It makes me wonder, again, what sort of world Seth lives in.

>>

The season of darkness extends to being measured in weeks rather than its typical days. Then Seth feels a pull towards something far away in the darkness. Every day that pull gets stronger. He knows he is going to leave to find out what it is. The problem is, so does Drake. Does he allow Drake to tag along? Or does he leave his friend behind and go this one alone?

>>

I'm sorry, but this seems a tad vague to me. I would like some clarifying. How is a season of darkness normal? Why does Seth feel a pull towards the darkness -- does the reason tie in with his dreams mentioned earlier in the query? And how is Drake knowing a problem?

Also, in my opinion "go this one alone" makes it sounds as if Seth and Drake have gone on adventures before, but I was under the impression that Drake didn't know about Seth's magic. (If not, perhaps more specifics about what Drake doesn't know about would help? Does he not know about Seth's magic, Seth's dreams, Seth's family
history?)

I would have enjoyed more specifics on how the blackout fit into the flow of the story. Does Seth's family have a connections to the blackouts (in which case the good guys might be the ones trying to assassinate him)?

Do Seth's precognitive dreams reveal things about the blackout to him?

I think another element I may be fishing for here is Seth's hand in propelling the plot along -- events are listed and hints given, but I'm not sure I have a clear idea of how he's influencing things with his existence/choices.

Perhaps focusing more on information vital to understanding the plot would give me a more precise picture of the story?

Lastly, I'm afraid I do not understand how Drake fits in to the story. I don't feel like I know anything except his name.

Writing a query or synopsis has always intimidated me, so I tip my hat to your endeavor. You have an interesting story here. I wish you well in crafting a query to represent it.

Thanks for sharing,

(name redacted)

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My Response
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1) Don't assume anything, setting, time-frame... nothing.
2) Shorter is snazzier.
3) Don't ask a question that isn't relevant to the meat of the story.
4) Answer non-rhetorical questions, or else you leave the reader wondering too.
5) Don't be vague, ever.
6) If you mention a character, make sure their purpose/role is known.

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Critique #4
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Dear Dallas,

I have a few questions, which need to be addressed in the body of the letter. An agent will want to know who your audience is, and why you wrote the book. I liked the concept and your descriptions and excerpts. Beginning with “Seventeen-year-old Seth…” [you should add your hyphens], the letter reads well.

I would cut down the number (and possibly change the format—even though you said you didn’t want crit on format, I would make those juxtaposed ideas) opening one-sentence paragraphs. I found them boring, frankly, and my eye skipped ahead (several times) to the body of your letter. [I had to force myself to concentrate on those opening lines. Rather than adding interest, I found them distracting.] Yet, I appreciate the substance of what you’re trying to do. You might pull out a few of those sentences, combine them, and begin with that. I might suggest the most varied images, something like: “Normal for Seth is: thinking about the cute girl in study hall and knowing he might be an assassin’s next target; taking ballroom dance lessons because his mom make him and obsessing about the day he will awaken to his magic.” [Notice that your word “may” should be “might” and I changed the tenses to all match as in a list.]

Even though you are in essence ‘hiring’ an agent, you are also asking him or her to take you on—in a professional relationship. Who are you? Say something about yourself, even if it seems odd. How did you come to writing? Are you in a writing group? (Critters is a writing group! and a well respected one—you could mention that.) Have you attended any workshops or conferences, taken classes?

One last thing, often it is helpful to put the first mention of characters in all caps like you did the title (SETH, DRAKE). You also might say that you would be happy to send the text, the first chapter, or a synopsis of the whole, if you are not already including it. And, some agents only want the letter, but others what the first five pages or some other amount. Do your research before you send anything (as you probably have already!) All the best with this: my fingers are crossed for you.

-(name redacted)

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My Response
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1) The opening lines need reworked.
2) Consider putting in a target audience.
3) I actually disagree with the suggestion to tell more about myself in the query letter. There are varying opinions of course, but in my case I don't have any published credentials. I would rather present a clean, simple query that interests the agent into contacting me and learning more then. If they like the query letter they have my contact info at the bottom. I'm sure they assume I'm willing to send them more of my manuscript if they request it. That's the whole point of a query letter after all.

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Critique #5
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OK, let me say up front that I'm going to be really critical in this review, because query letters are important, and if you screw something up it's hard to
recover from. I've seen some really really bad query letters, and yours is *not* one of those--it's got the basic pieces there, strung together in approximately the
right order and related sensibly. However, I think it could use some help.

The biggest issue I see is a lack of focus in your story summary. A query letter should introduce the main character and story; it needn't go into all the details of the plot. The best way to introduce the book is to describe the Protagonist, his Problem, and the Stakes. A good query letter will have an exciting Problem, clearly identified, clearly explained, and clearly tied to the protagonist. In your query, Seth's Problem is first surviving until his magic awakens--the entire first half of the query is devoted to that concept. Then, suddenly, his
magic awakens, but he has a new Problem: it doesn't work right. You're essentially saying that the entire first part of your query *isn't important* any more.

Then there's another problem: the season of darkness. Or is it? Does that Problem have anything to do with Seth? There is some "pull towards something far away." Does that have to do with the darkness? Or Seth's magic not working? Is this the Main Problem? You end with it, so it seems like it must be.

The issue here, assuming the "pull towards something far away" is the Main Problem, is that your story boils down to: "Seth has to go somewhere unspecified for some reason we don't know." That's not interesting, and all of the rest of the details in the query don't really support this Main Problem. The details are just sort of thrown up there, roughly in order, without any inexorable progression, supporting the plot.

And, to be blunt, I think you really *need* to have a tighter query letter. 172K is on the long side for a debut novel--not horribly so, but enough that, were I an agent, I would wonder if your prose is wandering and wordy. If your query letter appears that way, that would be bad.

A couple minor points: 1) Your opening doesn't grab me. I see what you're doing with the six-item list, but it's just a really long and involved way to say, "my protagonist is a normal teenager with a secret." 2) Why is Drake Seth's problem? You have this cliffhanger at the end, like Seth has a dilemma deciding whether or not to take Drake along. If you present a dilemma, tell *why* it's important. Why
would Seth take Drake? What are the consequences if he does or doesn't? So what?

Bottom line is I think you need to work backward on your query. What's the cliffhanger/teaser/main problem you're trying to convey? Is it this "pull towards something far away" and "does Seth allow Drake to tag along"? If that's it, make sure everything before this explains why this Problem is important *to Seth* and what the consequences of his actions and decisions will be.

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My Response
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1) Protagonist, Problem, Stakes.
2) Don't introduce something half way through that undermines something in the first half.
3) If it's in the query, it should be relevant to the protagonist.
4) Answer all non-rhetorical questions.
5) Protagonist, Problem, Stakes.

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Critique #6
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Wow, Dallas! 172,000 words! That’s almost two novels in one. From what I’ve read/heard, publishers won’t consider anything much over 100,000 words for an author’s first publication. But anywho…

This seems more like the back of the book blurb rather than a query letter. For a blurb, I like the start. It sets the scene and gives us a protagonist. However, when it comes to the plot (the paragraph starting ‘The season of darkness…’), I thought bleh. He’s being drawn somewhere and the big mystery is if he’s going to take his friend or not? I’d think finding the cause of the extended darkness would be more compelling, something world shattering. Why would Seth connect his own learning of magic and pulling to the extended darkness? Is he a narcissistic bastard? Right off the bat, the plot doesn’t seem very compelling. Also the wording of the first sentence of this plot paragraph is awkward.

From the simplicity of the plot, it’s hard to imagine how it could garner 172k words. Even the first Harry Potter came in at 75k.

For soliciting representation from an agent, I’d recommend including something about previous publications. Any short stories that were previously seen by a publisher as fit to print would speak volumes to an agent. Steven King has a good section on writing query letters to an agent in On Writing. I’d recommend giving that a look.

Good luck,

(name redacted)

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My Response
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1) 172,000 words is too long.
2) Don't be vague.
3) Don't assume anything.

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Critique #7
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Query letters are always a challenge. I'm going to start with the "Normal is:" bit. It's cute, but I almost wonder if it's not too cute. It's a fun little play with words, but it doesn't really describe the story or plot. It sort of feels like a somewhat too darling distraction. (To me, anyway. Although I'll note that I'm not a literary agent, either, so who knows?)

Summaries are always a challenge. The problem that I have in reading this is that nothing feels tremendously unique to me. Boy with powers? Check. Learning powers from mysterious forces? Double check. Dragons? Boxes filled! I'm sure that the story is far more unique and wonderful than the summary gives it credit for. It would be nice to see how. Like, how is this different from the many, many boy with dragon and magical abilities stories out there? Does Seth really hate his magical abilities? Is he bullied at school because of them? Is he embarrassed by them? It would be good to get a feeling for how this differs from say, Harry Potter or the Darkness Rising or so many of the other “boy in normal world has special powers”. Other than the dragon, but I'm not sure that's really enough to make me eager to read the book...

I feel like I'm lacking a feel for how the book actually would read and the personalities of the characters from this. The tiny blurb about "normal is" gives me an idea that there's something a bit cute and quirky about the story. That is awesome! But it would be wonderful to get this feeling through the rest of the summary. Without knowing the rest of the story, it's hard to say exactly what I'd change. I mean, I don't know if Seth is supposed to be a brooding teenager or the most popular kid in school. I don't know whether his family knows about this and supports it, or whether this is a painful secret he's terrified of revealing to them. But it's these kind of details, slipped in subtly, that would really make me go, “OMG, I must read this story NOW.”

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My Response
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1) Don't assume anything.
2) Find what is unique and run with it.

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Critique #8
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Disclaimer: Nothing written here is meant to be taken as a personal criticism or insult.

I read your query letter and I have to admit that I wasn’t very impressed. You mention in your author’s note that you don’t need help with format for a query letter, so I’m going to just recommend that you check out a couple of agent blogs that discuss what they expect in query letters. My personal favorite is agent Jenifer Jackson’s blog, et in arcadia ego. Specifically you might want to look that the “Letters from the Query Wars” dated 11/12/2010.

At first glance, I was thrown off by the format of your query letter, it reads more as a mini synopsis, minus the ending.

The beginning of your query is a list, which made me sigh, but I read on. I’m not sure that starting a letter, that is supposed to catch someone’s attention, with a list is the best idea. If you put those items into a paragraph such as, Seventeen year old Seth is trying desperately to be normal, and for the most part he's pulling it off. However, his normal is knowing he may be an assassin's next target. Seth and his friend Drake set off on an adventure to find normal, and hopefully save their world in the process. But what is normal in a magical world where the sun disappears for days at a time each year, and dragons roam the darkness?

Now a pitch like that might get my attention. You’ve hit on the fact that he wants to be normal, like every other abnormal character in history. You’ve put his life in danger with the assassin, and added a strange new world, with a well loved favorite, dragons. Those are a lot of pluses. This is also more along the lines of what most agents are looking for at the pitch in a query letter.

In the spiel you gave, you started with a list of things, most of which were mundane. And seemed to drone on from there. I suggest shortening and livening this up.

One other thing, that I myself have been told by several authors is this, no one’s going to buy a debut novel that is 170K. I suggest, if at all possible, that you go through the book with a machete, see what you can hack and pack, or consider cutting your novel in two.

I hope this helps,
Best of luck,
~(name redacted)

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My Response
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1) The list needs to be put into paragraph form.
2) Check out Jackson's blog.
3) 170k words is too long.

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Critique #9
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First of all, I just wanted to say I liked the intro (I know you weren't looking for format comments, but the opening was unique). As for overall interest, the story sounds unique; you've got me intrigued. I would like to see a complete synopsis (200 words) though. Taking on the role of publisher or agent, I would also like to see if you have any writing experience. I know it's your debut novel, but have you published any short stories, articles, etc.?

The addition of a 'newborn' dragon' is a character that definitely intrigues me. I think a lot of people are sick of dragons, but I like the use of unique dragons (a 'newborn' fits that bill) will attract attention. Word count of your novel has me hesitant a bit. I know a lot of publishers won't take on a book over 90,000 words (yet there are a lot of independent pubs who will). From a reader standpoint, a large 'debut' novel seems risky for me without more detail in the short synopsis. Overall, you have me intrigued.

Hope this helps.

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My Response
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1) Hey! Someone liked the intro! 1 of 9 isn't good odds though.
2) Previous publications would help.
3) Word count is too high.

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Critique #10
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Hello, Dallas T. S. Crockett,

With such an incredible name, I think you have to wind up as either a blockbuster novelist or a professional football tackle.

I'll give you my overall impression first. You'll notice that I have far more questions than answers.

*I'm not wildly interested in stories about teen-aged boys (or girls) unless they are truly extraordinary. (I'm on the other side of the age spectrum.) If you present something that captures my interest, I'll read happily enough though if the cover of your novel, hardcover or paperback, is silly enough I might choose to carry it around wrapped in a newspaper. What is 'silly enough'? Why any cover that is the YA fantasy equivalent a Romance bodice-ripper. This, of course, won't be any of your concern unless you intend to be your own artist.

*I've assumed that this is a YA novel primarily because this seems like the kind of plot a lot more attractive to YAs than adults. I say that because the kind of situations, problems, and what little plot you reveal seem to be quite familiar. This is a coming-of-age story of some young man called upon to live up to expectations and responsibilities he isn't QUITE yet ready to assume. Am I close?

*According to Elizabeth Lyons (http://www.elizabethlyon.com/) in her Manuscript Makeover book, debut novels over about 110K are going to have a harder time of it. I'm just passing along what I've read (it is an excellent book on revising a first draft).
*So far, the best thing I've read has to do with the sun blacking out every year, and that this time the blackness is long than usual. That's a creepy premise.

*If this is a magic world (his friends are also awakening to magic) why would Seth get involved with trying to solve or figure out anything? Aren't there any adults in his world or does magic bloom and ripen in adolescence and fade away almost immediately. Have the adults naturally been demagic-ed? You've mentioned no adults. Is this one of those strange worlds when kids never have to contend with adult rules and institutions? (except for school)

*All in all, I get the feeling that there might still be planning work to do.

Detailed Comments:

> Normal is:
> Loathing the thought of sitting through another boring lecture.
> Thinking about the cute girl across the study hall.
> Knowing you may be an assassin's next target.
> Taking ballroom dance lessons because your mom insists on it.
> Learning martial arts because your dad insists on it.
> Obsessing about the day you awaken to your magic.

--You're being clever. My understanding is that is isn't usually a very effective strategy the first time out of the gate.
-- I kind of like your list, but I do have one question. If I am an agent, why should I care what your idea of normal is? Especially when it seems...so normal. This all seems like teen-age angst and ennui.
--The thing about being an assassin's target is interesting, but this is expressed so cautiously that it's hard to know if it's even real. Hell, I can be sitting her knowing that I MAY be and assassin's next target. Anyone here in the library might be an assassin or spy, but I'm not even breathing deeply and I haven't looked over my shoulder even once. Now, if you had written, "Knowing that an assassin is stalking you and has already twice tried to take your life," well, that would capture my interest and I'd have to take your hero's problems (at least this one) seriously.
-- The "Loathing...Thinking...Taking" items are your background for the unnormal items, but they are so normal I feel like yawning. They do absolutely nothing to make me want to know your young hero.
--The awakening to magic item catches my attention, but any interest her is buried. He's obsessing (should I care? He's a teenager. Tomorrow he might be obsessing over zits.) You give us no idea how long this awakening is going to take (when he turns 20? 40? 75? Tomorrow?) I have no idea what awakening to magic involves? Bunny rabbits and doves will start popping out of his baseball cap? He'll go into convulsions and lose control of his bowels? He'll start turning friends and family and teachers into ice sculptures with no ability to control his destruction?

>Seventeen year old Seth is trying desperately to be normal, and for the most part he's pulling it off. He can take a punch as well as any of his friends despite secretly hating it.
--Well, who really does like taking punches? Why in the world should he have to take one. Do he and his friends belong to Fight Club. Are his friends a bunch of ruffians? Do they live in a really bad part of town where getting home after school is running the gauntlet?

>Nobody knows about the dreams he's been having that come true after he has them, or that he's being taught magic by people who are supposed to be dead.
--Okay, the dreams are something concrete. Maybe give an example just to make sure he's not dreaming about having mac & cheese for tomorrow's dinner?
--Your 'being taught magic' is interesting. Does this happen in his dreams? Are they people he once know who died? What does 'supposed to be dead' mean?

>Only his best friend Drake really knows him, and even Drake doesn't know everything.
--I've read ahead. There's a dragon in your story. The Latin for dragon is draco. Is Drake somehow associated with the Dragons.
--Obviously, this isn't contemporary earth. I assumed it was and that this was a world with school buses wristwatches. If it is contemporary, where did the dragons come from? For that matter, where does the magic come from?

>As his friends start awakening to their magic Seth begins to wonder if he will even survive long enough to awaken. Until he does, his secret lessons are meaningless.
--Isn't Seth going through the same process of magical awakening as his friends? Aren't they getting secret lessons too or is he 'special' (perhaps needing extra lessons so he doesn't fall too far behind?) If they're all getting lessons this way [I wonder how this works. In school? After school? How formal are these lessons. Classroom formal for private tutor informal? Are the lessons easy? hard? fun? as boring as regular school?]

>Seth finally awakens to his magic with the help of a newborn dragon friend,
--No. You've been playing with us. First of all, the long process of awakening magic has sudden sped by. I feel as if a movie director has just aged a character ten years in a busy part of his life without even a hint of stepping time. "After a long summer of hard work and worrying about assassins, Seth's magic suddenly opened within him like an ostrich egg suddenly releasing its baby ostrich. The young magic looked just as unappealing." [Yes, I'm playing a little, here.]

>but something doesn't feel right.
-- :)) I agree.

>His magic is not working the way his teachers said it would. To top things off, the light of the sun has been blacked out. This is normal of course, it happens every year, but it has never lasted this long.
--Which teachers. Not the ones in school? (Do they have any idea their students have latent magic? Are the teachers magical themselves?) Or are you talking about his 'secret' teachers. (How many? Are they specialized. What kind of magic is in this world, anyway?)
--You seem to be suggesting that the universe is paying attention to Seth's awakening magic? Why in the world (universe) should he be that important.

>The season of darkness extends to being measured in weeks rather than its typical days. Then Seth feels a pull towards something far away in the darkness. Every day that pull gets stronger. He knows he is going to leave to find out what it is.
--This is promising but I have questions (surprised?). Has the sun actually turned off or is something interfering with its light getting through? Does it keep getting colder and colder? Is the moon still shining? The stars? Does he have any idea what direction is pulling him. Probably not somewhere above in the blackness of space. Somewhere on the surface of the earth. Does he have any sensation of whether the pull is constant or varying (the pull of the approaching assassin?). Does he want to leave to find out what it is or does this thought terrify him. Is he actually able not to respond to the pull?

>The problem is, so does Drake. Does he allow Drake to tag along? Or does he leave his friend behind and go this one alone?
--What's wrong with Drake going to? Seth wants to keep the whole adventure to himself? Is he concerned Drake will come to a bad end? Does he perhaps not trust Drake? If Drake decides to 'tag along', can Seth stop him by any means of tying him up or bashing him over the head with a rock. If he is thinking of 'going this one alone', does that imply that there have been previous adventures in which Drake did accompany him. If so, what's different this time.

>1ST AWAKENINGS is my debut fantasy novel, complete at 172,000 words.
--As mentioned before, isn't this awfully long for a first novel?

>Critiques on readability, voice, interest level, etc. (or lack thereof) is very welcome.
--Basically, I've concentrated on presenting many (I'm sure I missed some) of the questions that your query suggested. Overall, I think you need to tell more about the story and the world it takes place in.

> Is this a book you would read? Why or why not?
--I'd look at it in a bookstore, but so far this approach hasn't been enough for me to more than riff through the pages of any of the Harry Potter books, even when I come upon them in a used bookstore. Why should I care about Seth? Inserting a dragon into the query so late makes me wonder what else you might be holding out on.

> Is there anything confusing about it? Anything that doesn't make sense?
--What is the *purpose* of it? If I read your whole novel, what would you want me to take away from it. If I thought back to it next week or three months later, what would you want me to remember and be glad I found in your story?

Good luck with this. If you have any comments or questions, let me know.
(name redacted)

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My Response
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1) Well, I got my name going for me.
2) Being clever isn't always the best path.
3) Instead of 'may' be confident with a statement.
4) Answer questions, don't create more.
5) Too many words (seems to be a theme).
6) Don't just 'insert' points, make it important or cut it out.

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Critique #11
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Hello Dallas

I’ve never done a critique of a query before here on Critters . . . this is my first time, so please be gentle!

I’m including a lot of what you’ve written here in the critique, but I’ve tried to delete all of your sentences that I didn’t directly comment on.

> Normal is:

This is an interesting way to begin the query, I think, but I found the execution a bit vague and confusing.

You include a few things that are genuinely “normal” for a seventeen-year-old IRL, then a few things that seem would only be “normal” in a fantasy setting. Are you trying to emphasize that Seth is extraordinary --- or that Seth’s an ordinary kid in an extraordinary setting? I’d clarify that this “normal” you’re describing isn’t quite the “normal” that the reader might expect.

There are a few different ways to do it, like “To seventeen-year-old Seth, normal is...” or “For Seth, a normal day includes...” or “Every day of his life, Seth ...”

> Loathing the thought of sitting through another boring lecture.

I think this is a little wordy. “Loathing the thought of sitting” could be replaced with the single word “Suffering” (or shortened many other ways if you prefer). The space you save could be used to say what kind of lecture that is.

If it’s a class, that tells the reader what kind of class Seth hates, which helps develop him. If Seth likes the class but hates the lecturer, that also develops him. If these lectures are purely disciplinary, or Seth hates lectures because he hates school all the time, that also develops him. And it needn’t slow down the query at all.

> Thinking about the cute girl across the study hall.

Here’s the thing about study hall: it’s often filled with people you don’t see anywhere else (i.e., you share no classes with them). So the girl could be very different from Seth in terms of economic status, interests, or intelligence.

If that’s the case, I’d like to know why this girl is so different from him (or so special).

In that case, I’d suggest something about her --- not a name, because the number of proper names must be minimized in a query --- but some tidbit. That tidbit will also develop Seth, since it will explain something about why he thinks of her.

What are his thoughts of her like --- sweet in a puppy-dog way, intrigue, pure lust, or something else?

Here’s another thing about study hall: it gives you an awful lot of time to look around.

So to Seth, maybe this girl is nothing special at all. Maybe to Seth, no girls are special --- either because he’s one of those 17-year-old boys who can’t attract them to save his life, or because he’s a smooth operator who can have any girl he wants.

Any of these options can develop Seth significantly, by adding only a couple of words in describing the girl “with the eyebrow piercing” or “with the mysterious green eyes”, “with the backpack”... or even “whatever girl as breaking his heart this time,” or “whatever girl he was seducing this week”

> Knowing you may be an assassin's next target.

I think this is too general. Is the danger merely theoretical, and Seth fantasizes about his life being more dangerous than it is? If Seth is truly in danger of being murdered, is the danger obvious to all the students?

And is it special to Seth, or is the fantasy world such that many 17-year-olds in his school are targeted by assassins? (When you’re first reading about a fantasy world . . . you never know).

> Taking ballroom dance lessons because your mom insists on it.
> Learning martial arts because your dad insists on it.

Hm, if I thought assassins might be after me I might want to learn martial arts without outside encouragement. I’d delete “on it” from both sentences, to quicken pace. You may consider it a matter of your “voice”, of course --- I happen to detest unnecessary prepositional phrases the way most critiquers hate adverbs, and you might not share that opinion. I would consider adding (or changing) one or both of the sentences, so as to describe the “insistence” and Seth’s attitude toward it (and perhaps even Seth’s attitude toward his parents, if you prefer).

“because it pleases your mother, whose life is hard enough.”
“so your dad won’t disinherit you.”
“because your mother’s so sick you can’t say no to her.”
“so your father will finally stop screaming at you.”

> Obsessing about the day you awaken to your magic.

This sentence is fine as it is, particularly since it comes at the end of "what's normal".

> Seventeen year old Seth is trying desperately to be normal, and for the most part he's pulling it off.

I like this sentence a lot . . . you might want to make this the first sentence of the query.

> He can take a punch as well as any of his friends despite secretly hating it.

I’d drop this sentence. It doesn’t tell me anything. Why should there be anything “secret” about hating it when you get hit? Do Seth, or his friends, fight a lot? I get the feeling you’re trying to make a point here but aren’t being clear enough.

> Nobody knows about the dreams he's been having that come true after he has them, or that he's being taught magic by people who are supposed to be dead.

I’d drop “after he has them” --- if the dreams were true before he had them, they wouldn’t be “coming true”. In that case, he’d be dreaming of past events (that might be interesting if he were dreaming of hidden clues from horrible, mysterious past events, but that doesn’t seem to be what you’re going for).

> Only his best friend Drake really knows him, and even Drake doesn't know everything.

I’d keep this, but move it. I know from later reading that Drake is important, but I’d put all the Drake stuff as close together as possible.

> As his friends start awakening to their magic Seth begins to wonder if he will even survive

> long enough to awaken. Until he does, his secret lessons are meaningless.

So if Seth’s friends all have magic they’re awakening to, why is Seth unusual? Are all his friends targeted by assassins? And why do Seth’s magic lessons need to be “secret” if all the kids at school are all destined to awaken to their magic?

Is this a school for magicians, where the “secret” is kept from the world by the school? Or is Seth one of a chosen few out of a larger student body, destined for magic that most kids aren’t, and the “secret” is kept from the majority by the minority?

> Seth finally awakens to his magic with the help of a newborn dragon friend, but something doesn't feel right.

> His magic is not working the way his teachers said it would.

I’d drop “something doesn’t feel right” and merge the two sentences. If his magic isn’t working the way teachers said it would, then it’s obvious something doesn’t feel right.

> To top things off, the light of the sun has been blacked out. This is normal of course, it happens every year, but it has never lasted this long.

OK, now I’m sure that this is a part of the fantasy world. This isn’t a Harry Potter-like magic school in Chicago, it’s a world with entirely different astronomy. I like the placement of this tidbit late in the query like this, since it answers a question that I hope is tantalizing the agent (I know it tantalized me).

What I’d change about this is the rhythm. This paragraph begins and ends with worry, but has a middle section where it seems everything’s all right. Instead of that, I’d try to make it a steady, relentless build: maybe drop the sentence beginning with “This is normal of course” and head straight into the one beginning with “The season of darkness”, all in the same paragraph.

> He knows he is going to leave to find out what it is.

Tell me why Seth knows this. Does he know that his curiosity’s going to get the better of him? Does he know he’s too much of an action-hero type of guy to just wait how things shake out? Or is the mysterious “pull” forcing him somehow?

> Does he allow Drake to tag along? Or does he leave his friend behind and go this one alone?

It’s very rare for me to suggest adding stuff to a query letter, but I suggest you add a sentence here. Briefly describe what kind of friend Drake is. Is he a good friend who Seth loves and doesn’t want to endanger? It’s quite possible Seth will have multiple impulses about this, that maybe conflict. He might worry that Drake will outshine him somehow, or that Drake isn’t competent enough to handle whatever challenge Seth will face, or that Drake could be easily corrupted --- all this instead, or in addition to, feelings of concern for Drake’s safety stemming from friendship. You don’t have to go into that here --- I think that Seth’s surface reason would suffice, expressed as concisely as possible. In fact, I think saying that Drake is "the only one who knows him" --- you could just move that part down here.

To answer your question: Yes, I’d give this book a shot. I’d be a bit put off by the length, but as long as plot and character elements I mention here were clear --- as long as questions were answered, then replaced by new questions that put me in suspense; and as long as the pace didn’t lag; I’d probably complete it.

I'm a sucker for books where the protag learns magic. But I don't think I'm unique in that regard.

(name redacted)

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My Response
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1) The setting is vague.
2) Don't assume plot points.
3) There were several good character development points here.

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Critique #12
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First, this is all just my opinion. But let me start with something some friends told me about query letters. A query letter must answer 3 questions:

1)What does the main character want? Aside from being normal I don't get that from your query letter.

2)What does he need to do to get that? Again - no clue from the query letter.

3)What happens if he fails? You talk about the darkness and all (warning - just saying darkness is a bit cliche), but I get no sense of consequences.

Here's some more detailed feedback:

>>Obsessing about the day you awaken to your magic.

Consider deleting all of the above. You need to start with a hook into the plot and this isn’t it.

>>Nobody knows about the dreams he's been having that come true after he has them, or that he's being taught magic by people who are supposed to be dead.

Not too bad. I'm a bit curious about the "people who are supposed to be dead," but where is this going?

>>Only his best friend Drake really knows him, and even Drake doesn't know everything.

If this isn’t critical to the plot, delete.

>>Seth finally awakens to his magic with the help of a newborn dragon friend, but something doesn't feel right. His magic is not working the way his teachers said it
would.

Okay, now this feels more like the core of the plot, so it needs to go to the beginning.

>>The problem is, so does Drake. Is Drake the dragon?

You wrote this like Drake and the baby dragon are two separate characters.

>>1ST AWAKENINGS is my debut fantasy novel, complete at 172,000 words.

If you’ve been researching you’ll already know that you’ve made your novel something like 72,000 words harder to sell now. I haven’t seen any agent or publisher who openly says they’d like debut novels this long. Most look for about half this length. Also, don't bother calling it your debut novel. Part of the query letter should include past paid publishing credentials.

Good luck.

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My Response
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1) Answer these three questions: What does the main character want? What does (s)he need to do to get that? What happens if (s)he fails?
2) Start with the hook to the plot.
3) If it isn't critical, delete it.
4) Again, 172,000 words is too much.