I want to thank all of the people who took the time to rip my submission apart to help me put it back together way better than before. I was surprised by how easy it is to miss obvious problems until someone else points them out to you.
The result of this round: I went back and rewrote my query letter. I cut my epic sized novel in half and turned it into two different (regular sized) novels, splitting the cast of characters between them. This also means a lot of rewriting. The first of the two novels' title is FIRELIGHT.
To see how this query has evolved throughout the critique process, click here.
Friendly warning, this is a very long blog post.
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The Query
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Dear Agent,
Normal is:
Loathing the thought of sitting through another boring lecture.
Thinking about the cute girl across the study hall.
Knowing you may be an assassin's next target.
Taking ballroom dance lessons because your mom insists on it.
Learning martial arts because your dad insists on it.
Obsessing about the day you awaken to your magic.
Seventeen year old Seth is trying desperately to be normal, and for the most part he's pulling it off. He can take a punch as well as any of his friends despite secretly hating it. Nobody knows about the dreams he's been having that come true after he has them, or that he's being taught magic by people who are supposed to be dead.
Only his best friend Drake really knows him, and even Drake doesn't know everything.
As his friends start awakening to their magic Seth begins to wonder if he will even survive long enough to awaken. Until he does, his secret lessons are meaningless.
Seth finally awakens to his magic with the help of a newborn dragon friend, but something doesn't feel right. His magic is not working the way his teachers said it would. To top things off, the light of the sun has been blacked out. This is normal of course, it happens every year, but it has never lasted this long.
The season of darkness extends to being measured in weeks rather than its typical days. Then Seth feels a pull towards something far away in the darkness. Every day that pull gets stronger. He knows he is going to leave to find out what it is. The problem is, so does Drake. Does he allow Drake to tag along? Or does he leave his friend behind and go this one alone?
1ST AWAKENINGS is my debut fantasy novel, complete at 172,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Dallas Crockett
(address redacted)
dtscrockett@gmail.com
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Critique #1
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Hi there, Dallas,
My name is (redacted) and I have experience as a nonfiction editor, so keeping in mind that that is my professional experience despite my love of fantasy, here's some feedback for you...
FORMATTING & PACING OF THE QUERY:
I would keep the list of "normal" in a paragraph format for a couple reasons: first, this pitch is supposed to resemble the back-cover copy of a book, and, second, it draws the eye to the list and away from the paragraph after it. "Normal is..." left me instantly wondering, "Normal for whom?" What about, "For Seth
Overall, the query was pretty wordy. Look at the number of times you use the phrase, "awakening his magic" or some variation of that. Also, look at the sentence: "Nobody knows about the dreams he's been having that come true after he has them..." This phrase doesn't have any unique verbs or nouns ("know" and "come true" are soft sounds; "dreams" is the only concrete verb but it doesn't paint a picture in my head). You've used passive voice ("he's been having"), and on top of that you've done it grammatically incorrectly (you can't contract "he has" into "he's" -- that means "he is").
What I'm getting at here is that, on the back of the book, you have only a single glance to seize a potential reader's attention. Sometimes that back-copy is no more than 3 sentences long. That's how much space you actually have, and the editor or agent who picks up your book is going to have to remember it well enough to reel it out to his or her marking committee along with a whole line of other people. Do them a favor and keep it short and powerful, with lots of concrete images they can seize onto. Imagine being a marketer and using the back-copy to come up with a cover design. What image do you want to see on the front of your book? Try painting it in words.
In particular, using the gerund form (-ing) automatically slows the pace. This is compounded by the use of -ing adjectives like "boring". Try saying them aloud--they have a swinging rhythm that is naturally slow. There are occasions when that can be really useful but this is probably not the best place for it.
CONTENT OF THE QUERY:
Sorry, now that the editor in me has reared her ugly claws, what I really liked in your query was the idea of a "season of darkness" and a magical ability that is awakening with problems (WAY more fun that somebody who is all-powerful without any complications). I was confused by the seemingly disparate connections--what does a "newborn dragon friend" have to do with a story that sounded like it belonged in a modern-day high school? Your opening had me ready for an urban fantasy novel, but suddenly there's a dragon and now I'm confused about what era & world we're in. The other moment of cognitive dissonance was the sudden revelation that the friends are not "normal" in the sense of normal, non-magical people but that they actually develop magical abilities, too.
Your final question isn't enough to draw my interest -- "What's the big deal with taking or leaving Drake? I thought this story was about Seth!"
172,000 words is a LONG novel. Anything above 140,000 words is going to make editors nervous (140,000 words works out to roughly 500 pages of very small print).
Sorry that was a lot of nit-picking and reactions that weren't all positive! Feel free to send me another attempt if you like!
Cheers,
(redacted)
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My Response
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1) Don't use the list at the beginning, or at least make it a paragraph.
2) Check grammar.
3) Don't be so wordy.
4) Avoid all '-ing' words when trying to make snappy sentences.
5) Make it clear that the setting isn't our modern day universe, nor high-school.
6) If you use questions, make sure they're about the important plot points.
7) 172,000 words is too long.
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Critique #2
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As it stands, this is not a book I would read. I felt like you kept grabbing me at some points, and then losing me in the next sentence.
First, I like the start. I think it got me in the mindset of the main character. It made me think of a somewhat edgy character who is struggling with what normal is supposed to be. However, I think throwing in the assassin line halfway through stole some of your thunder. I expected that kind of twist to come at the end, not in the middle. It made reading the next two lines a bit anti-climactic. And for
something so in your face, it seemed like you never brought up the assassin thing again. I felt like you hooked me with the assassin line, let me linger on for a bit, and then dropped me entirely. If it were me, I would either move the assassin line farther down in the list, like 2nd to last, or drop it completely. And if you keep it, I would work the assassin angle into the rest of the query to show me that it was more than just a catchy line.
Second, the “awake to their magic” line threw me out of the query every time you used it. I feel like it might serve you better to use that line early on, and then give a bit of a definition to it. Not a big deal, but in something so short, I would use every word to my advantage.
Third, if it were me, I would move up the second full paragraph into the middle of the first full paragraph. If you slipped it in after “pulling it off” I think it would flow better.
Fourth, why is his life in danger? You mention the assassin and the chance that he might not live long enough to have his magic awaken, but what is threatening him? I would have loved to have some idea of what is so dangerous about his life.
Fifth, I feel like you lost some steam from the first half when you tell us that he did awake to the magic in the second half. If awaking to his magic happens early in the book, I would think about cutting that part out of the query. Or word it in a way that suggests there was danger, but that he overcame it. It just did not seem to flow right for me.
Sixth, the darkness seemed a bit odd to me. You mention that the sun has been blacked out and I got excited about it, and then the next sentence killed the tension for me. If it were me, and the sun blacking out is normal, then I
would combine those two sentences. I felt like you kept setting me up with possibly great stories and then shooting them down right after. I would focus your points of interest and tension building around things that are truly a
mystery or a challenge.
The line about the dragon seemed unnecessary to me. If you took away that part in the query, I do not know if anything would be lost. I would either indicate why the dragon is important, or just cut out the mention of it all together. As it stands, it left me a bit confused as to why you mentioned the dragon.
If it were me, I would try to tighten the whole thing up. I felt like it took a long time to describe some simple story ideas. I think it sounds interesting, but it worries me that for me the query is a bit wordy and long on the descriptions. It worries me that the rest of your book might be the same way. If it were tighter in the query, it would interest me more. To tighten it up, I think you could
cut out most of the first half of the query. I would give a brief intro the character, including the whole what is normal thing, and then jump into the darkness and the pull on him. It seems like that is the heart of your novel, and
that is what would really pull me in.
Overall, I think the books sounds good, but I would edit out a lot of the stuff in the query. If you disagree with anything I have said, feel free to ignore it. If you have any questions, please give me a yell. Best wishes on all of your writing.
(name redacted)
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My Response
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1) Don't create a climax then leave it hanging, wrap it up.
2) Avoid repetitive subjects, words, etc.
3) If you declare a threat, explain why it's a threat.
4) Don't introduce a topic half way through that undermines the importance of the first half.
5) Be careful of following up a high note with something that dampens it.
6) If something feels thrown in, throw it out.
7) Intro the main character in 2 or less sentences, then get to the meat of the story.
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Critique #3
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Hi Dallas,
Thanks for the chance to read & offer feedback on your Query Letter. I’m not at the point of querying myself, but I’m interested in learning. So, I come at this as a reader, not as anyone with any experience in the querying craft.
The opening hook for the query has a nice rhythm, and I had no trouble at all following the writing style. However, there were some areas that puzzled me.
To me, it sounds as if Seth lives in 'our' world and maintains a secret connection with magic beings -- who possibly either blend in with normal society, or have a hidden sanctuary somewhere.
But I did not fully understand which was which, because the query said things such as 'even his best friend Drake doesn't know everything' and goes to say how 'Seth's friends start awakening to their magic'.
This confused me: Which group are Seth's friends in, the magic or the normal?
On that note, I wondered why Seth has trouble acting normal if he doesn't have powers at first? Is it because of a situation similar to the one presented in The Sorcerer's Apprentice (the movie)?
Yet I understood the query to imply that Seth's parents and a group of other people are involved in his training -- if so, it might help me if the query were more specific.
Another area of slight confusion for me was that the query starts off like a coming of age/coming into magic/magic school story, then at the end the solar blackout is brought in.
I found this somewhat confusing. Is the story about Seth coming into his magic, or about Seth fixing the worldwide blackout?
If both, is there perhaps a way to tie the two in tighter?
Below I have some in-line comments, because I have had more success at explaining my trains of thought (wayward though they may be) this way.
>>
Normal is:
Loathing the thought of sitting through another boring lecture.
Thinking about the cute girl across the study hall.
Knowing you may be an assassin's next target.
Taking ballroom dance lessons because your mom insists on it.
Learning martial arts because your dad insists on it.
Obsessing about the day you awaken to your magic.
>>
I do applaud the rhythm and structure here. But in my opinion it lost some power after the third line, both because it kept going on (shorter is snazzier to this reader) and because I found it puzzling to jump from boring lectures to cute girls, then to assassins, ball room dances, martial arts and finally magic.
That's a lot for me to take in on the first breath. Although I'm sure it all fits in the novel, I have trouble seeing how it all fits together here.
I would have been more comfortable with the opening if the information was more focused, more specific. Some of the above information does not feel need-to-know, and when I read a book jacket blurb, I like to know character, conflict, and plot if in order to be enticed to read.
But as I said, grand rhythm.
>>
Seventeen year old Seth is trying desperately to be normal, and for the most part he's pulling it off. He can take a punch as well as any of his friends despite secretly hating it. Nobody knows about the dreams he's been having that come true after he has them, or that he's being taught magic by people who are supposed to be dead.
>>
Again, I'm not sure what one piece of information has to do with another, and I'm a bit concerned that info may be unclear (it is to me).
If Seth does not have powers yet, in what way is he pretending to be normal? Why does he need to know how to take a punch? Why does he hate it?
I was also puzzled about the precognitive dreams -- why isn't that considered a magic talent? I wondered if the line about being trained in magic by people thought to be dead couldn't be fleshed out. I suspect it might clue me in more to how Seth's world functions.
Right now, I'm unsure whether this is a story where the magic world is concealed in the modern world, or if this is an alternate world entirely -- one where magic is widespread.
>>
Only his best friend Drake really knows him, and even Drake doesn't know everything.
As his friends start awakening to their magic Seth begins to wonder if he will even survive long enough to awaken. Until he does, his secret lessons are meaningless.
>>
This is where I became confused about how Seth's world operates. The query says Drake knows him best, but does not know everything. Then Seth's friends awaken to their magic -- and Seth is worried about surviving?
I'm sorry, but I do not follow that train of thought. I remember assassins being mentioned, but I do not recall seeing Seth actually threatened. For all I know his self-defense training might be the result of paranoid parents.
If attempts are being made on his life (to stop him from Awakening), do you think it might work a little better if it was shown?
>>
Seth finally awakens to his magic with the help of a newborn dragon friend, but something doesn't feel right. His magic is not working the way his teachers said it would. To top things off, the light of the sun has been blacked out. This is normal of course, it happens every year, but it has never lasted this long.
>>
As mentioned earlier, the sun blackout seemed a bit odd to me, only because it appears at the last minute. It makes me wonder, again, what sort of world Seth lives in.
>>
The season of darkness extends to being measured in weeks rather than its typical days. Then Seth feels a pull towards something far away in the darkness. Every day that pull gets stronger. He knows he is going to leave to find out what it is. The problem is, so does Drake. Does he allow Drake to tag along? Or does he leave his friend behind and go this one alone?
>>
I'm sorry, but this seems a tad vague to me. I would like some clarifying. How is a season of darkness normal? Why does Seth feel a pull towards the darkness -- does the reason tie in with his dreams mentioned earlier in the query? And how is Drake knowing a problem?
Also, in my opinion "go this one alone" makes it sounds as if Seth and Drake have gone on adventures before, but I was under the impression that Drake didn't know about Seth's magic. (If not, perhaps more specifics about what Drake doesn't know about would help? Does he not know about Seth's magic, Seth's dreams, Seth's family
history?)
I would have enjoyed more specifics on how the blackout fit into the flow of the story. Does Seth's family have a connections to the blackouts (in which case the good guys might be the ones trying to assassinate him)?
Do Seth's precognitive dreams reveal things about the blackout to him?
I think another element I may be fishing for here is Seth's hand in propelling the plot along -- events are listed and hints given, but I'm not sure I have a clear idea of how he's influencing things with his existence/choices.
Perhaps focusing more on information vital to understanding the plot would give me a more precise picture of the story?
Lastly, I'm afraid I do not understand how Drake fits in to the story. I don't feel like I know anything except his name.
Writing a query or synopsis has always intimidated me, so I tip my hat to your endeavor. You have an interesting story here. I wish you well in crafting a query to represent it.
Thanks for sharing,
(name redacted)
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My Response
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1) Don't assume anything, setting, time-frame... nothing.
2) Shorter is snazzier.
3) Don't ask a question that isn't relevant to the meat of the story.
4) Answer non-rhetorical questions, or else you leave the reader wondering too.
5) Don't be vague, ever.
6) If you mention a character, make sure their purpose/role is known.
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Critique #4
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Dear Dallas,
I have a few questions, which need to be addressed in the body of the letter. An agent will want to know who your audience is, and why you wrote the book. I liked the concept and your descriptions and excerpts. Beginning with “Seventeen-year-old Seth…” [you should add your hyphens], the letter reads well.
I would cut down the number (and possibly change the format—even though you said you didn’t want crit on format, I would make those juxtaposed ideas) opening one-sentence paragraphs. I found them boring, frankly, and my eye skipped ahead (several times) to the body of your letter. [I had to force myself to concentrate on those opening lines. Rather than adding interest, I found them distracting.] Yet, I appreciate the substance of what you’re trying to do. You might pull out a few of those sentences, combine them, and begin with that. I might suggest the most varied images, something like: “Normal for Seth is: thinking about the cute girl in study hall and knowing he might be an assassin’s next target; taking ballroom dance lessons because his mom make him and obsessing about the day he will awaken to his magic.” [Notice that your word “may” should be “might” and I changed the tenses to all match as in a list.]
Even though you are in essence ‘hiring’ an agent, you are also asking him or her to take you on—in a professional relationship. Who are you? Say something about yourself, even if it seems odd. How did you come to writing? Are you in a writing group? (Critters is a writing group! and a well respected one—you could mention that.) Have you attended any workshops or conferences, taken classes?
One last thing, often it is helpful to put the first mention of characters in all caps like you did the title (SETH, DRAKE). You also might say that you would be happy to send the text, the first chapter, or a synopsis of the whole, if you are not already including it. And, some agents only want the letter, but others what the first five pages or some other amount. Do your research before you send anything (as you probably have already!) All the best with this: my fingers are crossed for you.
-(name redacted)
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My Response
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1) The opening lines need reworked.
2) Consider putting in a target audience.
3) I actually disagree with the suggestion to tell more about myself in the query letter. There are varying opinions of course, but in my case I don't have any published credentials. I would rather present a clean, simple query that interests the agent into contacting me and learning more then. If they like the query letter they have my contact info at the bottom. I'm sure they assume I'm willing to send them more of my manuscript if they request it. That's the whole point of a query letter after all.
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Critique #5
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OK, let me say up front that I'm going to be really critical in this review, because query letters are important, and if you screw something up it's hard to
recover from. I've seen some really really bad query letters, and yours is *not* one of those--it's got the basic pieces there, strung together in approximately the
right order and related sensibly. However, I think it could use some help.
The biggest issue I see is a lack of focus in your story summary. A query letter should introduce the main character and story; it needn't go into all the details of the plot. The best way to introduce the book is to describe the Protagonist, his Problem, and the Stakes. A good query letter will have an exciting Problem, clearly identified, clearly explained, and clearly tied to the protagonist. In your query, Seth's Problem is first surviving until his magic awakens--the entire first half of the query is devoted to that concept. Then, suddenly, his
magic awakens, but he has a new Problem: it doesn't work right. You're essentially saying that the entire first part of your query *isn't important* any more.
Then there's another problem: the season of darkness. Or is it? Does that Problem have anything to do with Seth? There is some "pull towards something far away." Does that have to do with the darkness? Or Seth's magic not working? Is this the Main Problem? You end with it, so it seems like it must be.
The issue here, assuming the "pull towards something far away" is the Main Problem, is that your story boils down to: "Seth has to go somewhere unspecified for some reason we don't know." That's not interesting, and all of the rest of the details in the query don't really support this Main Problem. The details are just sort of thrown up there, roughly in order, without any inexorable progression, supporting the plot.
And, to be blunt, I think you really *need* to have a tighter query letter. 172K is on the long side for a debut novel--not horribly so, but enough that, were I an agent, I would wonder if your prose is wandering and wordy. If your query letter appears that way, that would be bad.
A couple minor points: 1) Your opening doesn't grab me. I see what you're doing with the six-item list, but it's just a really long and involved way to say, "my protagonist is a normal teenager with a secret." 2) Why is Drake Seth's problem? You have this cliffhanger at the end, like Seth has a dilemma deciding whether or not to take Drake along. If you present a dilemma, tell *why* it's important. Why
would Seth take Drake? What are the consequences if he does or doesn't? So what?
Bottom line is I think you need to work backward on your query. What's the cliffhanger/teaser/main problem you're trying to convey? Is it this "pull towards something far away" and "does Seth allow Drake to tag along"? If that's it, make sure everything before this explains why this Problem is important *to Seth* and what the consequences of his actions and decisions will be.
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My Response
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1) Protagonist, Problem, Stakes.
2) Don't introduce something half way through that undermines something in the first half.
3) If it's in the query, it should be relevant to the protagonist.
4) Answer all non-rhetorical questions.
5) Protagonist, Problem, Stakes.
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Critique #6
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Wow, Dallas! 172,000 words! That’s almost two novels in one. From what I’ve read/heard, publishers won’t consider anything much over 100,000 words for an author’s first publication. But anywho…
This seems more like the back of the book blurb rather than a query letter. For a blurb, I like the start. It sets the scene and gives us a protagonist. However, when it comes to the plot (the paragraph starting ‘The season of darkness…’), I thought bleh. He’s being drawn somewhere and the big mystery is if he’s going to take his friend or not? I’d think finding the cause of the extended darkness would be more compelling, something world shattering. Why would Seth connect his own learning of magic and pulling to the extended darkness? Is he a narcissistic bastard? Right off the bat, the plot doesn’t seem very compelling. Also the wording of the first sentence of this plot paragraph is awkward.
From the simplicity of the plot, it’s hard to imagine how it could garner 172k words. Even the first Harry Potter came in at 75k.
For soliciting representation from an agent, I’d recommend including something about previous publications. Any short stories that were previously seen by a publisher as fit to print would speak volumes to an agent. Steven King has a good section on writing query letters to an agent in On Writing. I’d recommend giving that a look.
Good luck,
(name redacted)
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My Response
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1) 172,000 words is too long.
2) Don't be vague.
3) Don't assume anything.
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Critique #7
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Query letters are always a challenge. I'm going to start with the "Normal is:" bit. It's cute, but I almost wonder if it's not too cute. It's a fun little play with words, but it doesn't really describe the story or plot. It sort of feels like a somewhat too darling distraction. (To me, anyway. Although I'll note that I'm not a literary agent, either, so who knows?)
Summaries are always a challenge. The problem that I have in reading this is that nothing feels tremendously unique to me. Boy with powers? Check. Learning powers from mysterious forces? Double check. Dragons? Boxes filled! I'm sure that the story is far more unique and wonderful than the summary gives it credit for. It would be nice to see how. Like, how is this different from the many, many boy with dragon and magical abilities stories out there? Does Seth really hate his magical abilities? Is he bullied at school because of them? Is he embarrassed by them? It would be good to get a feeling for how this differs from say, Harry Potter or the Darkness Rising or so many of the other “boy in normal world has special powers”. Other than the dragon, but I'm not sure that's really enough to make me eager to read the book...
I feel like I'm lacking a feel for how the book actually would read and the personalities of the characters from this. The tiny blurb about "normal is" gives me an idea that there's something a bit cute and quirky about the story. That is awesome! But it would be wonderful to get this feeling through the rest of the summary. Without knowing the rest of the story, it's hard to say exactly what I'd change. I mean, I don't know if Seth is supposed to be a brooding teenager or the most popular kid in school. I don't know whether his family knows about this and supports it, or whether this is a painful secret he's terrified of revealing to them. But it's these kind of details, slipped in subtly, that would really make me go, “OMG, I must read this story NOW.”
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My Response
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1) Don't assume anything.
2) Find what is unique and run with it.
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Critique #8
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Disclaimer: Nothing written here is meant to be taken as a personal criticism or insult.
I read your query letter and I have to admit that I wasn’t very impressed. You mention in your author’s note that you don’t need help with format for a query letter, so I’m going to just recommend that you check out a couple of agent blogs that discuss what they expect in query letters. My personal favorite is agent Jenifer Jackson’s blog, et in arcadia ego. Specifically you might want to look that the “Letters from the Query Wars” dated 11/12/2010.
At first glance, I was thrown off by the format of your query letter, it reads more as a mini synopsis, minus the ending.
The beginning of your query is a list, which made me sigh, but I read on. I’m not sure that starting a letter, that is supposed to catch someone’s attention, with a list is the best idea. If you put those items into a paragraph such as, Seventeen year old Seth is trying desperately to be normal, and for the most part he's pulling it off. However, his normal is knowing he may be an assassin's next target. Seth and his friend Drake set off on an adventure to find normal, and hopefully save their world in the process. But what is normal in a magical world where the sun disappears for days at a time each year, and dragons roam the darkness?
Now a pitch like that might get my attention. You’ve hit on the fact that he wants to be normal, like every other abnormal character in history. You’ve put his life in danger with the assassin, and added a strange new world, with a well loved favorite, dragons. Those are a lot of pluses. This is also more along the lines of what most agents are looking for at the pitch in a query letter.
In the spiel you gave, you started with a list of things, most of which were mundane. And seemed to drone on from there. I suggest shortening and livening this up.
One other thing, that I myself have been told by several authors is this, no one’s going to buy a debut novel that is 170K. I suggest, if at all possible, that you go through the book with a machete, see what you can hack and pack, or consider cutting your novel in two.
I hope this helps,
Best of luck,
~(name redacted)
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My Response
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1) The list needs to be put into paragraph form.
2) Check out Jackson's blog.
3) 170k words is too long.
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Critique #9
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First of all, I just wanted to say I liked the intro (I know you weren't looking for format comments, but the opening was unique). As for overall interest, the story sounds unique; you've got me intrigued. I would like to see a complete synopsis (200 words) though. Taking on the role of publisher or agent, I would also like to see if you have any writing experience. I know it's your debut novel, but have you published any short stories, articles, etc.?
The addition of a 'newborn' dragon' is a character that definitely intrigues me. I think a lot of people are sick of dragons, but I like the use of unique dragons (a 'newborn' fits that bill) will attract attention. Word count of your novel has me hesitant a bit. I know a lot of publishers won't take on a book over 90,000 words (yet there are a lot of independent pubs who will). From a reader standpoint, a large 'debut' novel seems risky for me without more detail in the short synopsis. Overall, you have me intrigued.
Hope this helps.
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My Response
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1) Hey! Someone liked the intro! 1 of 9 isn't good odds though.
2) Previous publications would help.
3) Word count is too high.
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Critique #10
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Hello, Dallas T. S. Crockett,
With such an incredible name, I think you have to wind up as either a blockbuster novelist or a professional football tackle.
I'll give you my overall impression first. You'll notice that I have far more questions than answers.
*I'm not wildly interested in stories about teen-aged boys (or girls) unless they are truly extraordinary. (I'm on the other side of the age spectrum.) If you present something that captures my interest, I'll read happily enough though if the cover of your novel, hardcover or paperback, is silly enough I might choose to carry it around wrapped in a newspaper. What is 'silly enough'? Why any cover that is the YA fantasy equivalent a Romance bodice-ripper. This, of course, won't be any of your concern unless you intend to be your own artist.
*I've assumed that this is a YA novel primarily because this seems like the kind of plot a lot more attractive to YAs than adults. I say that because the kind of situations, problems, and what little plot you reveal seem to be quite familiar. This is a coming-of-age story of some young man called upon to live up to expectations and responsibilities he isn't QUITE yet ready to assume. Am I close?
*According to Elizabeth Lyons (http://www.elizabethlyon.com/) in her Manuscript Makeover book, debut novels over about 110K are going to have a harder time of it. I'm just passing along what I've read (it is an excellent book on revising a first draft).
*So far, the best thing I've read has to do with the sun blacking out every year, and that this time the blackness is long than usual. That's a creepy premise.
*If this is a magic world (his friends are also awakening to magic) why would Seth get involved with trying to solve or figure out anything? Aren't there any adults in his world or does magic bloom and ripen in adolescence and fade away almost immediately. Have the adults naturally been demagic-ed? You've mentioned no adults. Is this one of those strange worlds when kids never have to contend with adult rules and institutions? (except for school)
*All in all, I get the feeling that there might still be planning work to do.
Detailed Comments:
> Normal is:
> Loathing the thought of sitting through another boring lecture.
> Thinking about the cute girl across the study hall.
> Knowing you may be an assassin's next target.
> Taking ballroom dance lessons because your mom insists on it.
> Learning martial arts because your dad insists on it.
> Obsessing about the day you awaken to your magic.
--You're being clever. My understanding is that is isn't usually a very effective strategy the first time out of the gate.
-- I kind of like your list, but I do have one question. If I am an agent, why should I care what your idea of normal is? Especially when it seems...so normal. This all seems like teen-age angst and ennui.
--The thing about being an assassin's target is interesting, but this is expressed so cautiously that it's hard to know if it's even real. Hell, I can be sitting her knowing that I MAY be and assassin's next target. Anyone here in the library might be an assassin or spy, but I'm not even breathing deeply and I haven't looked over my shoulder even once. Now, if you had written, "Knowing that an assassin is stalking you and has already twice tried to take your life," well, that would capture my interest and I'd have to take your hero's problems (at least this one) seriously.
-- The "Loathing...Thinking...Taking" items are your background for the unnormal items, but they are so normal I feel like yawning. They do absolutely nothing to make me want to know your young hero.
--The awakening to magic item catches my attention, but any interest her is buried. He's obsessing (should I care? He's a teenager. Tomorrow he might be obsessing over zits.) You give us no idea how long this awakening is going to take (when he turns 20? 40? 75? Tomorrow?) I have no idea what awakening to magic involves? Bunny rabbits and doves will start popping out of his baseball cap? He'll go into convulsions and lose control of his bowels? He'll start turning friends and family and teachers into ice sculptures with no ability to control his destruction?
>Seventeen year old Seth is trying desperately to be normal, and for the most part he's pulling it off. He can take a punch as well as any of his friends despite secretly hating it.
--Well, who really does like taking punches? Why in the world should he have to take one. Do he and his friends belong to Fight Club. Are his friends a bunch of ruffians? Do they live in a really bad part of town where getting home after school is running the gauntlet?
>Nobody knows about the dreams he's been having that come true after he has them, or that he's being taught magic by people who are supposed to be dead.
--Okay, the dreams are something concrete. Maybe give an example just to make sure he's not dreaming about having mac & cheese for tomorrow's dinner?
--Your 'being taught magic' is interesting. Does this happen in his dreams? Are they people he once know who died? What does 'supposed to be dead' mean?
>Only his best friend Drake really knows him, and even Drake doesn't know everything.
--I've read ahead. There's a dragon in your story. The Latin for dragon is draco. Is Drake somehow associated with the Dragons.
--Obviously, this isn't contemporary earth. I assumed it was and that this was a world with school buses wristwatches. If it is contemporary, where did the dragons come from? For that matter, where does the magic come from?
>As his friends start awakening to their magic Seth begins to wonder if he will even survive long enough to awaken. Until he does, his secret lessons are meaningless.
--Isn't Seth going through the same process of magical awakening as his friends? Aren't they getting secret lessons too or is he 'special' (perhaps needing extra lessons so he doesn't fall too far behind?) If they're all getting lessons this way [I wonder how this works. In school? After school? How formal are these lessons. Classroom formal for private tutor informal? Are the lessons easy? hard? fun? as boring as regular school?]
>Seth finally awakens to his magic with the help of a newborn dragon friend,
--No. You've been playing with us. First of all, the long process of awakening magic has sudden sped by. I feel as if a movie director has just aged a character ten years in a busy part of his life without even a hint of stepping time. "After a long summer of hard work and worrying about assassins, Seth's magic suddenly opened within him like an ostrich egg suddenly releasing its baby ostrich. The young magic looked just as unappealing." [Yes, I'm playing a little, here.]
>but something doesn't feel right.
-- :)) I agree.
>His magic is not working the way his teachers said it would. To top things off, the light of the sun has been blacked out. This is normal of course, it happens every year, but it has never lasted this long.
--Which teachers. Not the ones in school? (Do they have any idea their students have latent magic? Are the teachers magical themselves?) Or are you talking about his 'secret' teachers. (How many? Are they specialized. What kind of magic is in this world, anyway?)
--You seem to be suggesting that the universe is paying attention to Seth's awakening magic? Why in the world (universe) should he be that important.
>The season of darkness extends to being measured in weeks rather than its typical days. Then Seth feels a pull towards something far away in the darkness. Every day that pull gets stronger. He knows he is going to leave to find out what it is.
--This is promising but I have questions (surprised?). Has the sun actually turned off or is something interfering with its light getting through? Does it keep getting colder and colder? Is the moon still shining? The stars? Does he have any idea what direction is pulling him. Probably not somewhere above in the blackness of space. Somewhere on the surface of the earth. Does he have any sensation of whether the pull is constant or varying (the pull of the approaching assassin?). Does he want to leave to find out what it is or does this thought terrify him. Is he actually able not to respond to the pull?
>The problem is, so does Drake. Does he allow Drake to tag along? Or does he leave his friend behind and go this one alone?
--What's wrong with Drake going to? Seth wants to keep the whole adventure to himself? Is he concerned Drake will come to a bad end? Does he perhaps not trust Drake? If Drake decides to 'tag along', can Seth stop him by any means of tying him up or bashing him over the head with a rock. If he is thinking of 'going this one alone', does that imply that there have been previous adventures in which Drake did accompany him. If so, what's different this time.
>1ST AWAKENINGS is my debut fantasy novel, complete at 172,000 words.
--As mentioned before, isn't this awfully long for a first novel?
>Critiques on readability, voice, interest level, etc. (or lack thereof) is very welcome.
--Basically, I've concentrated on presenting many (I'm sure I missed some) of the questions that your query suggested. Overall, I think you need to tell more about the story and the world it takes place in.
> Is this a book you would read? Why or why not?
--I'd look at it in a bookstore, but so far this approach hasn't been enough for me to more than riff through the pages of any of the Harry Potter books, even when I come upon them in a used bookstore. Why should I care about Seth? Inserting a dragon into the query so late makes me wonder what else you might be holding out on.
> Is there anything confusing about it? Anything that doesn't make sense?
--What is the *purpose* of it? If I read your whole novel, what would you want me to take away from it. If I thought back to it next week or three months later, what would you want me to remember and be glad I found in your story?
Good luck with this. If you have any comments or questions, let me know.
(name redacted)
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My Response
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1) Well, I got my name going for me.
2) Being clever isn't always the best path.
3) Instead of 'may' be confident with a statement.
4) Answer questions, don't create more.
5) Too many words (seems to be a theme).
6) Don't just 'insert' points, make it important or cut it out.
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Critique #11
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Hello Dallas
I’ve never done a critique of a query before here on Critters . . . this is my first time, so please be gentle!
I’m including a lot of what you’ve written here in the critique, but I’ve tried to delete all of your sentences that I didn’t directly comment on.
> Normal is:
This is an interesting way to begin the query, I think, but I found the execution a bit vague and confusing.
You include a few things that are genuinely “normal” for a seventeen-year-old IRL, then a few things that seem would only be “normal” in a fantasy setting. Are you trying to emphasize that Seth is extraordinary --- or that Seth’s an ordinary kid in an extraordinary setting? I’d clarify that this “normal” you’re describing isn’t quite the “normal” that the reader might expect.
There are a few different ways to do it, like “To seventeen-year-old Seth, normal is...” or “For Seth, a normal day includes...” or “Every day of his life, Seth ...”
> Loathing the thought of sitting through another boring lecture.
I think this is a little wordy. “Loathing the thought of sitting” could be replaced with the single word “Suffering” (or shortened many other ways if you prefer). The space you save could be used to say what kind of lecture that is.
If it’s a class, that tells the reader what kind of class Seth hates, which helps develop him. If Seth likes the class but hates the lecturer, that also develops him. If these lectures are purely disciplinary, or Seth hates lectures because he hates school all the time, that also develops him. And it needn’t slow down the query at all.
> Thinking about the cute girl across the study hall.
Here’s the thing about study hall: it’s often filled with people you don’t see anywhere else (i.e., you share no classes with them). So the girl could be very different from Seth in terms of economic status, interests, or intelligence.
If that’s the case, I’d like to know why this girl is so different from him (or so special).
In that case, I’d suggest something about her --- not a name, because the number of proper names must be minimized in a query --- but some tidbit. That tidbit will also develop Seth, since it will explain something about why he thinks of her.
What are his thoughts of her like --- sweet in a puppy-dog way, intrigue, pure lust, or something else?
Here’s another thing about study hall: it gives you an awful lot of time to look around.
So to Seth, maybe this girl is nothing special at all. Maybe to Seth, no girls are special --- either because he’s one of those 17-year-old boys who can’t attract them to save his life, or because he’s a smooth operator who can have any girl he wants.
Any of these options can develop Seth significantly, by adding only a couple of words in describing the girl “with the eyebrow piercing” or “with the mysterious green eyes”, “with the
> Knowing you may be an assassin's next target.
I think this is too general. Is the danger merely theoretical, and Seth fantasizes about his life being more dangerous than it is? If Seth is truly in danger of being murdered, is the danger obvious to all the students?
And is it special to Seth, or is the fantasy world such that many 17-year-olds in his school are targeted by assassins? (When you’re first reading about a fantasy world . . . you never know).
> Taking ballroom dance lessons because your mom insists on it.
> Learning martial arts because your dad insists on it.
Hm, if I thought assassins might be after me I might want to learn martial arts without outside encouragement. I’d delete “on it” from both sentences, to quicken pace. You may consider it a matter of your “voice”, of course --- I happen to detest unnecessary prepositional phrases the way most critiquers hate adverbs, and you might not share that opinion. I would consider adding (or changing) one or both of the sentences, so as to describe the “insistence” and Seth’s attitude toward it (and perhaps even Seth’s attitude toward his parents, if you prefer).
“because it pleases your mother, whose life is hard enough.”
“so your dad won’t disinherit you.”
“because your mother’s so sick you can’t say no to her.”
“so your father will finally stop screaming at you.”
> Obsessing about the day you awaken to your magic.
This sentence is fine as it is, particularly since it comes at the end of "what's normal".
> Seventeen year old Seth is trying desperately to be normal, and for the most part he's pulling it off.
I like this sentence a lot . . . you might want to make this the first sentence of the query.
> He can take a punch as well as any of his friends despite secretly hating it.
I’d drop this sentence. It doesn’t tell me anything. Why should there be anything “secret” about hating it when you get hit? Do Seth, or his friends, fight a lot? I get the feeling you’re trying to make a point here but aren’t being clear enough.
> Nobody knows about the dreams he's been having that come true after he has them, or that he's being taught magic by people who are supposed to be dead.
I’d drop “after he has them” --- if the dreams were true before he had them, they wouldn’t be “coming true”. In that case, he’d be dreaming of past events (that might be interesting if he were dreaming of hidden clues from horrible, mysterious past events, but that doesn’t seem to be what you’re going for).
> Only his best friend Drake really knows him, and even Drake doesn't know everything.
I’d keep this, but move it. I know from later reading that Drake is important, but I’d put all the Drake stuff as close together as possible.
> As his friends start awakening to their magic Seth begins to wonder if he will even survive
> long enough to awaken. Until he does, his secret lessons are meaningless.
So if Seth’s friends all have magic they’re awakening to, why is Seth unusual? Are all his friends targeted by assassins? And why do Seth’s magic lessons need to be “secret” if all the kids at school are all destined to awaken to their magic?
Is this a school for magicians, where the “secret” is kept from the world by the school? Or is Seth one of a chosen few out of a larger student body, destined for magic that most kids aren’t, and the “secret” is kept from the majority by the minority?
> Seth finally awakens to his magic with the help of a newborn dragon friend, but something doesn't feel right.
> His magic is not working the way his teachers said it would.
I’d drop “something doesn’t feel right” and merge the two sentences. If his magic isn’t working the way teachers said it would, then it’s obvious something doesn’t feel right.
> To top things off, the light of the sun has been blacked out. This is normal of course, it happens every year, but it has never lasted this long.
OK, now I’m sure that this is a part of the fantasy world. This isn’t a Harry Potter-like magic school in Chicago, it’s a world with entirely different astronomy. I like the placement of this tidbit late in the query like this, since it answers a question that I hope is tantalizing the agent (I know it tantalized me).
What I’d change about this is the rhythm. This paragraph begins and ends with worry, but has a middle section where it seems everything’s all right. Instead of that, I’d try to make it a steady, relentless build: maybe drop the sentence beginning with “This is normal of course” and head straight into the one beginning with “The season of darkness”, all in the same paragraph.
> He knows he is going to leave to find out what it is.
Tell me why Seth knows this. Does he know that his curiosity’s going to get the better of him? Does he know he’s too much of an action-hero type of guy to just wait how things shake out? Or is the mysterious “pull” forcing him somehow?
> Does he allow Drake to tag along? Or does he leave his friend behind and go this one alone?
It’s very rare for me to suggest adding stuff to a query letter, but I suggest you add a sentence here. Briefly describe what kind of friend Drake is. Is he a good friend who Seth loves and doesn’t want to endanger? It’s quite possible Seth will have multiple impulses about this, that maybe conflict. He might worry that Drake will outshine him somehow, or that Drake isn’t competent enough to handle whatever challenge Seth will face, or that Drake could be easily corrupted --- all this instead, or in addition to, feelings of concern for Drake’s safety stemming from friendship. You don’t have to go into that here --- I think that Seth’s surface reason would suffice, expressed as concisely as possible. In fact, I think saying that Drake is "the only one who knows him" --- you could just move that part down here.
To answer your question: Yes, I’d give this book a shot. I’d be a bit put off by the length, but as long as plot and character elements I mention here were clear --- as long as questions were answered, then replaced by new questions that put me in suspense; and as long as the pace didn’t lag; I’d probably complete it.
I'm a sucker for books where the protag learns magic. But I don't think I'm unique in that regard.
(name redacted)
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My Response
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1) The setting is vague.
2) Don't assume plot points.
3) There were several good character development points here.
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Critique #12
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First, this is all just my opinion. But let me start with something some friends told me about query letters. A query letter must answer 3 questions:
1)What does the main character want? Aside from being normal I don't get that from your query letter.
2)What does he need to do to get that? Again - no clue from the query letter.
3)What happens if he fails? You talk about the darkness and all (warning - just saying darkness is a bit cliche), but I get no sense of consequences.
Here's some more detailed feedback:
>>Obsessing about the day you awaken to your magic.
Consider deleting all of the above. You need to start with a hook into the plot and this isn’t it.
>>Nobody knows about the dreams he's been having that come true after he has them, or that he's being taught magic by people who are supposed to be dead.
Not too bad. I'm a bit curious about the "people who are supposed to be dead," but where is this going?
>>Only his best friend Drake really knows him, and even Drake doesn't know everything.
If this isn’t critical to the plot, delete.
>>Seth finally awakens to his magic with the help of a newborn dragon friend, but something doesn't feel right. His magic is not working the way his teachers said it
would.
Okay, now this feels more like the core of the plot, so it needs to go to the beginning.
>>The problem is, so does Drake. Is Drake the dragon?
You wrote this like Drake and the baby dragon are two separate characters.
>>1ST AWAKENINGS is my debut fantasy novel, complete at 172,000 words.
If you’ve been researching you’ll already know that you’ve made your novel something like 72,000 words harder to sell now. I haven’t seen any agent or publisher who openly says they’d like debut novels this long. Most look for about half this length. Also, don't bother calling it your debut novel. Part of the query letter should include past paid publishing credentials.
Good luck.
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My Response
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1) Answer these three questions: What does the main character want? What does (s)he need to do to get that? What happens if (s)he fails?
2) Start with the hook to the plot.
3) If it isn't critical, delete it.
4) Again, 172,000 words is too much.
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