I've just received my second round of critiques from Critters.org for my query letter. Below you will find both the query letter I sent and the critiques I received for it. I've redacted the names for the sake of privacy.
Since the last time the title has changed as well as some major plot points. If you've read my first draft you will notice the difference (I hope).
Again, I want to thank all of the people who took the time to rip my submission apart to help me put it back together better than before.
The result of this round: Nothing yet, check back later when more time has passed and all of the critiques are in.
To see how this query has evolved throughout the critique process, click here.
Friendly warning, this is a very long blog post.
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The Query
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Dear Agent,
Living in a violent society where everyone and everything uses magic, Seth Leoden is simply trying to survive until the time he too can awaken and use magic. The ability to use magic will allow him to begin making his way in the world, lifting him above the restrictions of childhood to begin the journey in becoming a man.
As part of a noble family living behind powerful castle walls Seth finds he is an assassin's next target. Worse for him, the assassin's name is well known among the people and much feared.
To humans, who have never had a dominant role in a world where magical creatures rule, nature is a treacherous frontier that only the strongest can survive alone. For the majority of humans the only barrier between nature and civilization is a fortified wall surrounding the city they live in.
In order to escape the assassin's blade Seth must hide in the very wilderness he has been raised to fear. Accompanied by a trusted body guard and his best friend Drake who refuses to let him do this alone, Seth quickly discovers facing the assassin might be the safer choice.
When the assassin learns where he is, Seth must face everything he has been running from.
FIRELIGHT is my debut fantasy novel, complete at 125,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Dallas Crockett
(address redacted)
dtscrockett@gmail.com
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Critique #1
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Here are the things you did well:
You explained who the protagonist is and what his problems is.
You include the word count.
You ended with a line that explained that this was your first novel and it implied you have no other publishing credentials.
Things to add to this query letter based on a section on how to write query letters (either it was in the literary agent, Donald Maas's book or Jeff Herman's). Start with a sentence, paragraph about what you are hoping to do, what your genre is. Also, be sure to include setting, such as, is this Victorian steampunk, an alien world with magic, earth with magic, Europe and what era. I can't imagine what kind of world this is because it isn't described.
As far as explaining the plot, the biggest things I wondered about was why is an assassin after him and just what is it about nature that is so dangerous that I should fear for him.
I also wondered the character's age and if this was YA.
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My Response
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1) The setting still needs to be described better.
2) Explain why an assassin is after him.
3) Explain why nature is so dangerous.
4) Provide the protagonist's age.
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Critique #2
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Hi Dallas,
Many questions arise from the “Query Letter” and at the moment the “content” is quite convoluted.
Why is the main character Seth Leoden living in a violent society?
Why is Seth’s society violent?
What brought on the violence (i.e. cultural reasons/family background/upbringing/previous battles/wars etc)?
What is the timeline for this “Fantasy Novel/Query Letter”?
Why has he (Seth Leoden) “not awakened” and being able to use the magic – where everyone and everything uses magic?
What does the terminology “not awakened” mean?
What are the reasons why ONLY he (Seth Leoden) is not able to use magic in this fantasy story?
Is he from an (obscure) outside community/civilization/colony far away (outside the castle walls) and was found abandoned as a young boy/baby (outside the castle walls and brought in) and as a result brought up by one of the families within the castle walls?
If Seth was found abandoned outside the castle walls and is from a different “group” or “clan” or “colony” this would explain why he does not have the genetic makeup of the gift of magic.
No historical facts are given as a background (to the scene setting/timeline/Seth’s upbringing etc) and therefore the “query letter” becomes superficial and confusing (to a degree).
The “Query Letter” refers to “an assassin”. Who is the assassin?
Why is Seth the assassin’s next target? The letter refers to Seth being brought up as a member of a “noble family” (living behind powerful castle walls) and in this regard why would he be the “next target”?
Who is the assassin? Why does he hate “noble families”?
Why hasn’t the assassin been found and brought to justice? Why has the assassin been allowed to roam free and create fear amongst the community?
Why is nature a treacherous frontier? (As referred to in the letter).
Magical creatures may rule but with wisdom and empathy – why is this not so in this fantasy?
In one moment the letter refers to Seth going outside the castle walls being accompanied by his friend “Drake” and then in the next sentence he changes his mind and has decided to stay inside (the castle walls) and face the assassin……
Characterization development does not appear to be a theme of this novel (as perceived by the letter); perhaps the storyline should have Seth facing the “magical creatures” outside – and maybe they (the magical creatures) could ultimately be his “friends” and (they then) all join together in defeating the “assassin” (whoever he is)?
Changing one’s mind (Seth’s) - appears to diminish the strength of the character of Seth and in doing so creates a convoluted and confusing storyline….
Relating to the main character (by the reader) and looking kindly on him with his predicament and life journey allows the reader to more easily relate and in doing so makes the story much more believable, alive and interesting.
At the moment apparently Seth has no magic, is being pursued by an (unknown) assassin and can’t make up his mind about whether he wants to live inside or outside the castle walls….
Therefore (with the brief details given) the storyline is obscure and the intent of the narrative (novel) unclear.
With regard to the author’s notes: the kind of world (this brief description) in which Seth lives – creates (in my view) a fantasy reality of nobles on horseback wearing fine garments and their horses being of the finest stock - a community (within the castle walls) of “Merlins” (Magicians) creating magic in their everyday life (to perhaps overcome boredom?).
Rather than wise and friendly magical creatures in the forest and frontier outside (the castle walls) in this novel they are fierce and wild and feared because of their magic…..
Why are the magical creatures so fierce and wild?
Questions also arise as to why the magic of the humans (that they are supposed to have) – as Magicians – cannot control the magic of the creatures outside?
Why is the magic of the creatures more intense and powerful than that of the humans?
Perhaps the underlying message of the story (novel) is to eventually (by delivering the storyline) awaken the reader (on many levels of awareness) as to the importance of man and nature working as one (in unity) rather than against each other?
To advocate peace and unity (from within one’s soul) rather than (externally) with violence and magical applications?
Perhaps the novel is to create the overall perception of “magic” as the actual transformation of consciousness (of humans and animals) - that as in the very beginning (of time itself – The Garden of Eden) - that man and creature (and nature) once more unite?
Therefore perhaps the main criteria of the story - external magic (used by both the creatures and humans) – is just a mirror image of the desperation in the seeking (and finding) of the internal magic (within) desired by both – which in turn creates the true nature (and transformation into the incredible beauty) of the fantasy reality itself in which everyone and everything exists (in peace, harmony and tranquility)?
Good luck in your writing.
(name redacted)
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My Response
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1) Could use some more explanation on why Seth is not awakened yet, and that he isn't the only one.
2) Answer the question, "Why is Seth the target?"
3) The danger of nature could use some more explanation.
4) There seems to be the possibility for confusion of whether Seth stayed outside the wall or not.
There were a lot of questions here that I think aren't necessary to be in the query letter itself, but definitely need to be answered in the book. Probably within the first few chapters.
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Critique #3
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Hello, Dallas,
This sounds like an interesting story. Does your desire to have a critique on content rather than format include the order of the content? Because I found the order a little confusing - I would have wanted to read paragraph three
before paragraph two.
I feel that I would want a better sense of how human society fits in with the other magical creatures, other than being non-dominant. Are the other creatures sentient?
I was also a bit puzzled over the word "frontier" and the separation between nature and civilization. I think of "frontier" as being near the limits of an expanding territory, so the idea of nature itself being a frontier puzzled me. Do you mean that there is a frontier area between human civilization and the rest of the planet? Or are you using "frontier" as shorhand, to mean a dangerous place, like the historical American frontier?
I imagined this set on an alien planet, with rugged, rocky, and dangerous terrain. Maybe it was the idea of the castle that made me think of stone!
I hope my reactions are helpful to you.
best,
(name redacted)
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My Response
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1) A better explanation of nature would help to understand the world setting.
2) The word "frontier" may not be creating the image I'm striving for.
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Critique #4
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Hi Dallas,
Thanks for sharing your query letter for Firelight with me. Your story seems to be about confronting fear. I assume this confrontation is the central one in the quest to Become A Man. His friendship with Drake seems like it will be important, but is secondary to overcoming fear. Are there any other noteworthy conflicts in your novel? I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "don't critique the format". Does this cover style? Much of your writing is not concise. Although concision is almost always important, it is exceptionally so in a query letter where you have little space in which to show off the best parts of your novel. For example, you could say, "Magical ability" rather than "The ability to use magic".
Maybe there should be some objects, creatures, and people who don't have magical ability, and not just because they haven't come of age. I imagine the world as being cluttered. Every time something new is encountered, it would require some explanation. You could incorporate some mundane and recognizable entities. For example, I'm often reluctant to put horses in my fantasy stories because I don't know much about how they behave, but I think they are necessary because sometimes I need a mount, but don't want to stop the story to explain what the mount is. Thanks for sharing your query letter with me. It looks like a solid story.
~ (name redacted)
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My Response
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1) Need to be more concise in word choice.
2) Putting in recognizable entities can help to make the setting connection.
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Critique #5
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In my opinion, you did a very well done query letter. It is quick and fast for the reader to follow. However, I think you may need a better beginning line. It has to be a good hook rather than start summarizing about what happened in the story. You should completely minimize how much summary you put into the letter. They just to need to know the basis of the plot.
You can simplify it by not having the paragraph “To humans, who have never had...(redacted due to redundancy) ...surrounding the city they live in.” It is not necessary in the context of your letter.
Also, to the point before, starting off by a summary may give the agent a good idea of your story, but you want the agent to be interested in the first place. If you just start getting into the story, they will be like what? When I imagined the beginning I thought of everything looking dreary and scary, but seem disconnected with the next part. The next part I imagine a wealthy boy sitting in front of a window looking out on a beautiful day. Then it goes back to being dreary and scary again. The final part makes me feel like he is on the run barely surviving in the wilderness.
Still you are better than me in the query letter and I hope you get to find an agent who wants to accept your work.
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My Response
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1) I need a better hook in the first paragraph.
2) The imagery bounces around too much.
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Critique #6
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Dallas,
Disclaimer: Nothing written here is meant to be taken as a personal criticism or insult.
Warning: I’m a nitpicky critter
Thanks for the reminder, it’s good to see you’re back so soon.
I think that this query is better than the last, but I also think that it could use a little tightening up. It’s loose in areas and could use a touch more excitement.
One of the best things I’ve read about this is from Jim Butcher’s blog. He says that you need to convey some simple things, When something happens… Your protagonist… pursues a goal… But will he succeed when… Your Antagonist provides opposition. Now if you answer all of those in your query then you will get far and can cut down on the excess wordage.
So, When Seth Leoden finds that he is the target for the world’s best know assassin, he sets out on his own into the untamed jungles that populate the world of … But when the assassin learns his location he must face all of his fears at once.
Then you can build on that.
> Living in a violent society where everyone and everything uses magic, Seth Leoden is simply trying to survive until the time he too can awaken and use magic. The ability to use magic will allow him to begin making his way in the world, lifting him above the restrictions of childhood to begin the journey in becoming a man.
This paragraph can help to explain what I mean. You could rewrite it to be more exciting, and more concise. Example: Seth Leoden, age …, has yet to awaken his magic in a world where magical talents are one of the few things that can keep him alive.
> As part of a noble family living behind powerful castle walls Seth finds he is an assassin's next target. Worse for him, the assassin's name is well known among the people and much feared.
Example: As a member of a noble family, he finds himself a target for the most famous assassin the world of … has ever known.
> To humans, who have never had a dominant role in a world where magical creatures rule, nature is a treacherous frontier that only the strongest can survive alone. For the majority of humans the only barrier between nature and civilization is a fortified wall surrounding the city they live in.
>In order to escape the assassin's blade Seth must hide in the very wilderness he has been raised to fear. Accompanied by a trusted body guard and his best friend Drake who refuses to let him do this alone, Seth quickly discovers facing the assassin might be the safer choice.
>When the assassin learns where he is, Seth must face everything he has been running from.
These three paragraphs are very lengthy and filled with things that could be shortened to keep the suspense.
Example: In fear for his life, Seth ventures from the relative safety of the walled city, into the danger of the wild jungles that cover most of the world. His only companion is his best friend Drake. They soon discover that it might be wiser to turn back and face the assassin (might want to give the name), than to venture any further into the untamed wilderness. But will they survive when the assassin learns of their location, and begins to hunt them through the trees.
You also asked for some general ideas of what I thought your world might look like.
From the small description, I got the idea that it is mostly covered in jungle, similar to the Star Wars world of Fellucia. I pictured small havens of safety from the jungles, in the walled citadels. Since you only really mentioned wilderness and a walled city, I assumed that that’s what most of the world looked like.
I did find this version much more intriguing than the last. It does flow at a faster pace, though I think that it could flow a little faster and smoother. I think that you might want to keep the excess info out of your query because you want to grab their attention and get them to read more, so the less and the more exciting the better.
I hoped that this crit helps you out. Feel free to let me know if you put anything else in the queue.
~(name redacted)
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My Response
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1) I need to use fewer words to say the same thing.
2) Consider revealing the name of the assassin.
3) The world imagery needs work.
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Critique #7
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Thank you for sharing your query letter. I think queries are the most difficult and challenging writing an author can face. Please feel free to disregard anything I offer in this critique.
I think this letter would have worked better for me if some of the phrasing had been a bit more unique. For example:
>where everyone and everything
>simply trying to survive
>allow him to begin making his way in the world
These aren't necessarily cliches, but they are commonly-used phrases. I believe this plays into the "voice" an agent looks for in the query letter. Of course, it is possible to go too far with spicing up the phrasing, as the query should be clear and understandable. However, I would liked to have gotten a better feel of the voice and style to the narrative in your novel.
One major question I had while reading your query was---why does the assassin wish to kill Seth? Not sure how much help it is to point that out, but it seems like it would be an integral point in your novel and it left me wondering...
Here's a grammar tip:
>For the majority of humans the only barrier between nature and civilization is a fortified wall surrounding the city they live in.
I wouldn't end a sentence with a preposition, especially in a query. I would suggest leaving off >they live in, as that part is clear anyway...or you could say >where they
live.
You asked in your notes that we describe what kind of world we picture from the information you included in the query. I felt this was a world where, as you said, everyone and everything is magical....so I pictured magical trees, magical forest creatures, magical rocks....I guess "everything" having powers. And, as I continued reading, I took it that all of these things were malevolent entities. Seth lives in a city that is protected from the outside forces by its walls, but when an assassin comes after him, he has to hide in the wilderness he fears to try to escape. And, from the end of the query, I take it that he begins to believe it would be safer/easier to face the assassin than the natural forces where he's hiding.
I hope you find something of use here, and best of luck with your query writing!
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My Response
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1) Try to be more unique in the voice aspect.
2) Answer the question, "Why does the assassin want to kill Seth?"
3) Check closer for grammar issues.
4) Avoid using broad words like 'everything'. It can be taken to mean literally everything. Specifics are good.
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Critique #8
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Let me start with this piece of advice. Query letters should clearly answer 3 questions. Everything else is extra (and probably not needed).
1) What does the protagonist want? (Unclear with Seth)
2) How can this be accomplished? (Hiding? Facing fears/wilderness? Mastering his magic?)
3) What happens if he fails (consequences)?
Now for more details:
Living in a violent society where everyone and everything uses magic, Seth Leoden is simply trying to survive until the time he too can awaken and use magic.
A bit awkward. If he’s waiting to awaken, it sounds like he’s asleep or dormant or something. That seems to conflict with the part of the sentence mentioning he’s
trying to survive.
The ability to use magic will allow him to begin making his way in the world, lifting him above the restrictions of childhood to begin the journey in becoming a man.
So how old is he? Again, a bit of a conflict – you open saying everyone uses magic, but it sounds like he doesn’t/can’t.
Worse for him, the assassin's name is well known among the people and much feared.
Does this really matter? Maybe merge these – Seth’s the target of a ruthless assassin with a no-fail reputation. But then again, how would Seth know about the reputation?
To humans, who have never had a dominant role in a world where magical creatures rule.
More confusion. I had no idea of this before. You might want to open with this since it seems to be the key source of the danger to humans.
When the assassin learns where he is, Seth must face everything he has been running from.
Isn’t he already doing that by hiding in the wilderness? And I don't know what he was running from before the assassin.
FIRELIGHT is my debut fantasy novel, complete at 125,000 words.
Warning – Everything I’ve read/heard indicates this is about 25K words too long. Agents aren’t big on long novels from unpublished authors.
Good luck
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My Response
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1) The word 'Awakening' might cause confusion within the confines of a query.
2) Give Seth's age.
3) Explain why Seth can't use magic yet.
4) Shorten the explanation of the assassin. Be more concise.
5) Put the world setting description closer to the beginning.
6) 125,000 words might still be too much.
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Critique #9
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For openers, this is much better than the last attempt! The confusion’s all gone, I now have a good idea of what’s going on, and I’m also convinced it’s an interesting story idea. My opinions here mostly concern making it as exciting as possible.
To make this less cumbersome, I'm going to try and cut down on the length of parts of your query letter that I quote.
About the sentence that begins: "Living in a violent society..."
I'm not sure about the prepositional phrase, "in a violent society". Just how violent is the society? You mentioned in the earlier query that Seth "can take a punch". Are all young men expected to take punches here? Do they routinely fight duels to the death over trivialities? I'd say, either drop your reference to the violence level of Seth's society --- or describe it in more dramatic detail.
I’m not a big adverb hater, but I’d remove “is simply trying to survive”. That phrase could also be used to describe the life of an office wage-slave in a cubicle.
I’d replace it with “can’t wait” or “is counting the days” --- actually I’m sure you can do better than either of those --- the point is, show Seth’s emotional state about his upcoming awakening. I’d guess he’s excited, a little bit scared and eager to show his stuff.
"The ability to use magic ..."
I’d make this part more specific. If the impending "awakening" opens a bunch of new rights and powers Seth's society denies to non-mages, or if it’s the threshold of when he becomes a legal adult, say that. If he suddenly gains the prestige to start hitting on girls that are now unreachable, say that. If he can suddenly start kicking major ass, say that!
"As part of a noble family ..."
I’d save the assassin for the end part of this bit. I’d start with something like: “But his family’s noble blood, and their powerful castle walls, provide little protection against the notorious assassin who has Seth in his sights.” This way, you go in a specific order: a) talk about how awesome Seth is, then move to: b) But wait! Alas! Seth’s adversaries are so ruthless and capable that he’s in deep
kimchi anyway, despite his awesomeness!
But what I have up there is incomplete. You should also add something --- just a word or two if possible --- describing exactly how Seth knows the assassin is after him. Did Seth’s noble family use their connections to get advance warning of this attack? Has the assassin already tried to kill Seth, and failed? Is the assassin so bold that he’s informed Seth that his days are numbered? The character of Seth, and the book, is enhanced by showing whether Seth finds out this stuff by sheer luck, beating up thugs, or clever deduction.
"To humans, who have never had a dominant role ..."
I might re-direct this description to the world, rather than the race of “humans” : something like, “In a world teeming with magical creatures, where humans do not rule . . .” or “Where humans rarely venture beyond their mighty citadels to the treacherous world without . . .”
"In order to escape the assassin's blade Seth must hide in the very wilderness he has been raised to fear."
Quoted the whole sentence because this part’s great. Due to my personal dislike of prepositional phrases, I’d say something like “The only escape from the assassin’s blade is the wilderness Seth has been raised to fear” but don’t tinker with this too much. If you do change it, read it out loud to yourself before deciding you like what you have, because the rhythm of this sentence is great as is.
"Accompanied by a trusted bodyguard..."
I love this part, it shows me exactly what the conflict is but makes me more curious about the plot. I can’t tell whether the “bodyguard” and “Drake” are the same person, and I’d suggest you fix that because agents generally dislike ambiguity, but at this point I personally don’t mind the ambiguity.
"Author/creator notes: At the end of your critique please describe to me the kind of world you pictured this being in, general ideas is fine."
Hmmm, for some reason I expected this place would like Turkey or Eastern Europe. I guess the phrase “assassin’s blade” made me think of forests and mountains, rather than plains or deserts (where I expect assassins to use bows), but that’s just my knee-jerk reaction in my mind’s eye. If you had cover art that looked like Japan or Persia, my mind would follow along with that.
I also pictured nighttime and bad weather for some reason. I guess I have a sense that your world is a scary, deadly place.
I’m impressed with how much better this query is. If you use this query in your RFDR, you won’t lack for volunteers to read the novel, whenever the time comes.
Hope this helps! Good luck!
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My Response
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1) Explain what 'violent' means.
2) Describe Seth's emotions about awakening better.
3) Explain what awakening means to Seth.
4) Explain how Seth knows the assassin is after him.
5) The wilderness line works.
6) Make it more clear the separation between the bodyguard and Drake.
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Critique #10
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Hola Dallas,
Critting with all standard disclaimers engaged.
>>Living in a violent society where everyone and everything uses magic, Seth Leoden is simply trying to survive until the time he too can awaken and use magic. The ability to use magic will allow him to begin making his way in the world, lifting him above the restrictions of childhood to begin the journey in becoming a man.
You reuse the word magic too much and are heavy on the cliché. Making his way in the world.
How about?
In a violent society ruled by magic, Seth Leoden is trying to survive long enough to kindle his own powers.
The rest I would throw out and go to sentence two. Note, I deleted the word living which you reuse in paragraph two.
>>As part of a noble family living behind powerful castle walls Seth finds he is an assassin's next target. Worse for him, the assassin's name is well known among the people and much feared.
Try
As part of a noble family living behind powerful castle walls Seth is targeted for assassination by Insert Name, known among the people as the worst of the worst.
Also you don’t explain why his family cannot protect him until he comes of age.
Strongest can survive is cliché.
FIRELIGHT is my debut fantasy novel
Uh, huh. No benefit to telling an agent you’re a rookie. Act like you been there.
The work itself has potential. Queries need AT LEAST 4-5 takes to get it right.
Good luck with this.
(name redacted)
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My Response
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1) My sentence structure can be cut down to be much shorter still. A good sentence doesn't need filler just for the sake of getting to the correct word count.
2) Recognize and avoid cliché.
3) Avoid word reuse.
4) Recognize and avoid unanswered questions.
5) No need to let the agent/publisher know that I'm a rookie.
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Critique #11
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Hi Dallas,
It's good to see an updated version of this query. I'm one of those who offered comments on the first version, and in my opinion, this version feels tighter and gives me a more distinct picture of what's going on.
Again, I don't know much about queries, so my comments are those of a simple reader, not a pro.
The first time I read through this version, I thought I wanted to know more about what makes the stakes personal for Seth -- and by that I mean personal on an internal scale, not external. But now I think such info might already be here.
In the first paragraph, Seth is presented as someone who is in quite a spot of trouble: He hasn't Awakened yet, and in his world, I think a person without magic could have a crippling disadvantage.
The text suggests Seth will not be considered a man until he Awakens, which makes me think he's probably frustrated and fed up with being viewed as a child. That's personal.
When the assassin is introduced, I found myself desiring a little more elaboration on why Seth is a target (he has no magic, so why hunt him when he's essentially impotent?) and why the assassin is so well known. Did he kill someone famous? Is he recognizable because of a trademark?
In Seth's case, I was not sure how being part of a noble family influenced him being a target. Does his family control the energy giving power to the defensive walls or something? I guess I wondered if he wasn't targeted for something more interesting than noble birth. But that's just me.
The paragraph that mentions how humans are not the dominant being was one I found quite intriguing. It sounds as if people are at the mercy of an unnatural nature, and that outside humanity's protected civilizations certain creatures actually reign. If so, cool!
When the text mentions Seth fleeing the assassin by hiding in the wilderness, again, I sort of wanted more elaboration on why the assassin is chasing him. To me, the assassin feels like a disembodied threat hunting Seth for no (established) reason. What about Seth makes him so special he needs to be killed? Based on the text -- which is quite interesting -- it sounds like there are many magic creatures in Seth's world that he can't hope to compete with.
And lastly,
>>
When the assassin learns where he is, Seth must face everything he has been running from.
>>
So far I have only seen Seth running from the assassin, therefore I found the implications of 'everything he has been running from' somewhat misleading, to me. What else is he running from? Why would meeting the assassin make him face it?
That's basically all from me. This is improved upon the last version, in my opinion. I like the world presented here.
On a small note, I did wonder if it might be possible to condense the first paragraph.
>>
Living in a violent society where everyone and everything uses magic, Seth Leoden is simply trying to survive until the time he too can awaken and use magic. The ability to use magic will allow him to begin making his way in the world, lifting him above the restrictions of childhood to begin the journey in becoming a man.
>>
What if one were to cut and rearrange a few words? May I give an rough example?
In a violent society where everyone and everything uses magic, Seth Leoden is trying to survive until the time when he too will awaken (to his powers). Magic (of his own) will lift him above the restrictions of childhood and allow him to begin the journey to become a man.
You asked for Critters to describe what sort of world they see between the lines. I think I gave myself away in my comments, but...
Based on the info presented in this query, I'm envisioning a world (not this world) rife with untamed magic, parts of it possibly unexplored because it's so dangerous for humans to leave their protective walls. I'm guessing (only guessing) that human magic is (usually) weaker than that of creatures, and I'm wondering if Seth receives a gift that trumps them all.
The rules in this world, I believe, would be different from my own. If humans are mostly confined behind a defense, that leaves a lot of room for mystery and discovery during the novel.
Sounds like something I'd enjoy.
Anyway, I hope you get some more useful feedback from experienced Critters.
Thanks again for sharing,
(name redacted)
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My Response
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1) Make the issue personal to the protagonist, don't just let it me assumed externally.
2) Explain the link between nobility and Seth being a target, or leave it out altogether.
3) Either give the assassin's name and credentials, or downplay how well he is known among the people.
4) Answer the question, "Why is Seth a target at all?"
5) The world setting is getting closer to what it actually is.
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Critique #12
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This version of your query letter is more focused than the previous. I like how the sentences are strung together, leading to the final Problem in the final paragraph. I like the emphasis on the story, with the remaining contact information at the end.
But I have two major issues with the construction of the letter.
The first is the *action*. The query letter should give a taste of what *happens* in the book, the things the protagonist *does*. You should be telling the story, not telling *about* the story, if you see the difference. You also want to show the things Seth *does*, not the things that happen to him: a strong, interesting character takes action, a weak, uninteresting character is buffeted along by outside forces. That type of character is uninteresting because, if all the action is precipitated by outside forces the character has no control over, then who your character is *doesn't matter*--your character could be a lump of clay, and the same things would happen, because your character isn't driving the plot.
Now that was a long and boring, but why am I saying it?
Take a look at the noun/verb pairs in your query letter:
Seth is...trying to survive
magic will allow him
Seth finds
assassin's name is (well-known)
nature is (a treacherous frontier)
barrier...is (a fortified wall)
Seth must hide
Seth discovers
Seth must face
Nine sentences. Four are not really about Seth (nothing *necessarily* wrong with that, but see below), and those four have weak descriptive verbs: is and allow. The problem is that the verbs coupled with Seth aren't much stronger. "Tries to survive" is pretty general, and you don't get much of a picture of Seth. "Finds" and "discovers": Seth learns things, which doesn't seem like a strong and interesting activity. "Must hide" and "must face" might be better, but they're not immediate, and imply actions thrust on Seth rather than ones he chooses. (For example, I "must die" sometime. Probably when I'm 90. That's not immediate, and doesn't show my character and my choices.)
The second issue is wrapped up in the first. I don't feel like I'm getting a sense of who Seth is. You're not *showing* me who he is through his actions, and neither are you *telling* me who he is. I have no idea what kind of person Seth is, or why he's interesting. Remember the query should introduce the Protagonist, his Problem, and the Stakes.
In addition, you have a whole paragraph where you digress and describe your world. That's not necessarily bad, but in this case it's not smoothly integrated into the letter because you're telling me about the wilderness *before* you tell me why it's important (you do so in the next paragraph). Even better would be if you could integrate this description of the world with a description of Seth's actions, so we get the feel of Seth's "out of the frying pan into the fire" decision process.
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My Response
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1) Tell the story, don't tell about the story.
2) Be less general and more specific in detail.
3) Use stronger verbs.
4) Create a better sense of immediacy.
5) Show who Seth is, don't tell.
6) Integrate the world description into the story telling.
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Critique #13
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Hello, Dallas,
I don't have many general comments. You've taken a big step forward but as I read, I'm still left with many, many questions, but more detailed than before. Most have to do with logical relationships between elements of your query. Some have to do with your order of presentation. I didn't read ahead when I made my detailed comments below so my questions reflect very close what questions and confusions came to me as I went through your query.
The answers to your questions follow the detailed comments.
I hope this helps. I know synopsis and summary are hard and painstaking to write. Why should a query be any easier? I'm puzzled by your reluctance to consider query form. I guess you want to do it your way, which is fine, but to what purpose? You might eventually come upon a query form that is both original and effective. I suspect, though, that when you eventually come upon an effective query format, you might discover that you have simply rediscovered the everyone else's effective format after much inconvenience and effort.
Keep going. This is good progress,
(name redacted)
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>>Living in a violent society where everyone and everything uses magic, Seth Leoden is simply trying to survive until the time he too can awaken and use magic.
--How old is he? This description makes me think he is already mature, presumably someone comes into magic only with full maturity, whatever that means. I don't get the sense in paragraph 1 that he's still a boy.
--survive? To just keep on progressing from one day to another or is his actual life in danger? (Previous version had an unexplained assassin.)
>>The ability to use magic will allow him to begin making his way in the world, lifting him above the restrictions of childhood to begin the journey in becoming a man.
--Okay, you've now taken care of the age question, but haven't totally cleared it up. Is he still actually a child? How old? From the wording he could even be a toddler with a very long time to wait. I think the problem is that you mention childhood and being a man, but there's the whole period of adolescence in between (which the previous version seemed to indicate as his actual age).
--Isn't that what all children do, even the unmagical ones?
>>As part of a noble family living behind powerful castle walls Seth finds he is an assassin's next target. Worse for him, the assassin's name is well known among the people and much feared.
--Why feared? Is he just a very good assassin or is he also some important, influential person in this world?
>>To humans, who have never had a dominant role in a world where magical creatures rule, nature is a treacherous frontier that only the strongest can survive alone.
--When you say Seth is waiting for his magic to awaken, and that humans have never had a dominant role in this world, you seem to be suggesting that Seth isn't human. Or humans also have magic but just aren't dominant. Are there other humanoid people who have magic and are dominant? Or does the presence of universally magical creatures just make it impossible for any single species to dominate it.
--Is the assassin human? If there is a dominant humanoid, magical species, does the assassin belong to that species?
--You seem to be saying by the nature clause that nature itself is the great danger on this world where everything is magical and so potentially dangerous. I'm not at all bothered with the idea of humans living as part of a world they don't and can't dominate. (I get the idea you'd like me to be disturbed by this idea.) Are you possibly saying that the local fauna are the great magical danger? What precisely is the danger to the humans? Adverse effects of telepathy? Being bespelled by surprising some little creature having a snack? And how exactly does a wall protect humans. Simply by keeping the dangerous critters outside? I suppose that kills the dangerous telepathy question.
>>For the majority of humans the only barrier between nature and civilization is a fortified wall surrounding the city they live in.
--This seems to reinforce the idea that there are no alien villains, but that humans are, in effect, living in a world up to their asses in magical alligators.
--Are all human's living in the same fortified city or are there multiple cities, each with their own wall? How big are these cities in terms of population. Small enough that everybody knows everybody? Or quite the opposite?
>>In order to escape the assassin's blade Seth must hide in the very wilderness he has been raised to fear. Accompanied by a trusted body guard and his best friend Drake who refuses to let him do this alone, Seth quickly discovers facing the assassin might be the safer choice.
--Why would an assassin be bothering his (probably) busy self about a child (adolescent?). I hope you're not going to tell me that Seth is a 'Chosen One' prophesied in ancient chronicles to 'save his people'. What is Seth's claim to such attention.
>>When the assassin learns where he is, Seth must face everything he has been running from.
--Why does he have to learn this? I guess the assassin and Seth don't live in the same place where everybody knows everybody else. This goes back to the question of how many human cities there are with how big a population each?
--What does the assassin *want* besides Seth's death. Is this personal? Is this a contract hit? Does Seth stand in the way of the assassin's plans or aspirations. What's at stake here.
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My Response
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1) Give Seth's age.
2) If the assassin is well-known, explain why.
3) Make it clear that Seth is human and it's just hard for any one species to become dominant.
4) Make it clear the assassin is also human.
5) Clear up the role of humans in the world.
6) Better describe the city setting.
7) Explain why Seth is the target.
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Critique #14
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First off, your second query letter is much better than your first. I feel like I have a good idea of what your book is about and the kind of world in which your characters live. I think the biggest problem is that you made too much of a change in your letter. This one lays everything out in a very clear fashion, but it loses your voice and sense of story. It all feels a bit too cold and methodical. I wish you had more of the flair of the first letter.
I think the second and third paragraph could be boiled down a bit more. I don't think you need to spend that much time describing the assassin and the scary nature of the outside world. Let me know that an experienced assassin is after him and that danger resides outside the walls. The first sentence of the fourth paragraph almost explains it all, without the help of the previous two paragraphs. If you cut out some of that stuff, I think it would make the letter much tighter, and more interesting.
In the fourth and fifth paragraph you use the word “face.” Not a horrible word choice, but it seems repetitive in such a short letter. If it were me, I would change one of them.
A nitpicky thing, in the first sentence you say “uses magic” and “use magic.” I would love it if you could find some other way to describe it. Using the same description twice in one sentence worries me that you might end up doing the same throughout the novel. I'm guessing that is not the case, but no reason to give the agent/editor any reason to doubt your ability.
I would love to know where the meaning of the title comes from. As it stands, I do not know how the title relates to the story of your novel. I do not see any connections in what you have told me about the book. I don't want a complete rundown on the title, but I would like to see some connection, or it makes me think that there could be a better title out there.
I had some trouble viewing the world. I did not know if the enclosed area was massive, encompassing numerous cities and castles, or if the world was filled with numerous castles and towns, isolated from one another by the wilderness. I picture it being a somewhat medieval setting, but encompassing some truly bizarre creatures residing in the wilderness. I picture the society being somewhat built around combat, but I did not know if the focus was on attacking others or on attacking the creatures in the wilderness. I understand that the violence boils over in either direction, but it would be interesting to know if the people are on constant watch for an outside attack, or if they are safe as long as they don't leave the walls. I think it might give me a clearer picture of what danger he faces as he leaves the safety of the walls. I am not sure I need all of the above information in the query, but you asked, so there you go.
I would be very interested to know what your target audience is. Is this aimed at young adults, everybody, or clearly an adult novel? I would think that an agent might want to know that information as well. The difference between a Harry Potter and The Black Company is huge, and dramatically changes who will be interested in reading it. The young protagonist makes me assume it is geared for young adults, but I was not sure. Stating that loud and clear when you mention the title might take all the guessing out of the situation.
Finally, I just wanted to say thanks for dropping me an email when this came back through critters. I am in no way an expert on anything, but if I can ever do anything to help, please let me know. And please drop me a line whenever Firelight heads back into the queue, whether it is a third version of the letter or the novel itself. Best wishes on all of your writing.
(name redacted)
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My Response
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1) Need to re-find the 'voice' of the letter.
2) The description can be shortened significantly.
3) Avoid reusing words.
4) Avoid reusing descriptors (especially in the same sentence).
5) Provide a connection with the title.
6) The scope and size of the world isn't clear enough.
7) Describe the intended audience.
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Critique #15
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What if I want to critique the format? :(
>>Living in a violent society where everyone and everything uses magic, Seth Leoden is simply trying to survive until the time he too can awaken
This is *so* much better than the last iteration. That said, I'd cut it at "simply trying to survive". The rest feels redundant.
>>restrictions of childhood to begin the journey in becoming a man.
Part of me likes this, as it feels like the "epic heroic journey". But another part is rolling her eyes and going, "oh, come on...if he knows that he's going to get magic...like everyone...what's the big deal? It's like a period. We all get one eventually (if we're female)." It's kind of my cynicism speaking, but...I'm not 100% sure from this line whether everyone has magic and it's a right of passage, or whether your protagonist is special in some way.
>>To humans, who have never had a dominant role in a world where magical creatures rule, nature is a treacherous frontier that only the strongest
This feels a bit cliche to me. Not horribly so, but still...although I do really, really like the protective wall of the city. That's a nice image/metaphor.
As far as world: This feels like a fairly generic fantasy world to me. FAR less Harry Potter rip off than the last one (I mean, if I were an agent, I'd seriously consider reading this one! Yay!) And it definitely feels more unique. Despite my eye rolling, if I saw this on a shelf, I'd definitely pick it up and read a chapter.
That said, I almost wonder if more needs to be played with on the nature front. Having not read your story, this is hard to know for sure. But the idea of a group of humans who mature into mages (all, or some?) who are penned in by aggressive nature is...interesting. I'm not sure if this is your goal, though, or just sort of the way the summary came out.
Anyway, definitely an improvement. There's a lot there to work with. You may want to play up a bit how nature vs. magic works in this world, but it's good enough now that I'd totally at least skim it, which is a major improvement!
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My Response
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1) Parts can be cut down into shorter sentences and still get the point across.
2) Show why getting to use magic means anything.
3) The conflict of nature vs man is a good selling point.
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